Flashback Friday: "One Year Ago"

Flashback Friday's ~ This idea began one day while I was perusing through some of my old posts on a private blog we had set up for friends and family while our son was in foster care.

A lot of really wonderful things happened to our little family while we had our private blog set up, so every now and then, I am going to re-post some of those wonderful memories. I hope you will enjoy looking back at them as much as I do!

First off, for those of you who are sick of reading about how much I love my son, sorry - pick a different blog to stalk, because things aren't about to change around here anytime soon!  But seriously, this time of year gets me feeling very sentimental in the Mommy department, so please bear wih me, as a few more of these sappy posts are sure to come=)

Today's post is a special "anniversary" post that I wrote one year ago.  It is an anniversary because today is a very special day for me and my hubby, and as it, coincidentally, falls on a Friday this year, I wanted to take this opportunity to write a very special Flashback post today.  You see, two years ago today our lives were changed forever as we walked into a hospital room to meet the tiny, little miracle who was our son. We had no idea of the miracles and wonders, nor the pain and fear that would lie ahead of us, we just knew LOVE.

I know some of you have heard this story before, so this may be nothing new to you.  But for those of you who will be reading it for the first time, I hope you can feel just how much love and importance this day holds for us.  It was a day that changed our lives forever, and I hope you enjoy reading about it.

"One Year Ago" - originally posted
January 21, 2010


Okay, fair warning for all of you who don't like to cry when you read my blog, turn back now!!! (Fine then, stay... but don't say I didn't warn you!!!=)

Do you know where I was exactly one year ago today? I was walking into a hospital room to meet MY SON.

You have probably heard me tell this story before, but that day is one of the most important of all my life and I remember it like it was yesterday. I love to talk about it and remember the feelings I had that day. I don't ever want to forget those feelings, the sights, the sounds, or the emotions of that day, and I realize that I have never actually written out my thoughts of our first moments as a family. So here goes the story of how we met Ian.

(Let me give you a little background info here before I go on. Initially, when we filled out our foster care paperwork, we struggled very much with the specifications regarding what characteristics we would accept in a child.  We sat on the paperwork for a long time, struggling with what to fill in.  When you have a child biologically, you don't get a say in these things, so we felt we shouldn't have a say either.  Finally, just to get on the waiting list, we stated that we wanted a child between the ages of 0 and 5 and of Caucasian decent. You can see now that God had other plans for us!=)

I got the call on Thursday, January 15, 2009. I was home alone and was told that there was a two week old baby boy in foster care who needed a family. Our case worker told us that this little one was half African American. Then she asked, "Would you still be interested?"

"Would we still be interested?" ... Really??? After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I said "Yes... we are interested." I hadn't talked to Mike about it yet, but I knew he would be on board with it too. (Looking back, I realize now that our caseworker was prompted to call us with this even though we had to make specifications on our paperwork that should have prevented her from even calling us. Stupid paperwork! I am just grateful she listened to her heart that day!!!)

We had very little information about him in the beginning. We didn't even know how big he was. I asked Ian's caseworker Tim, so that I would know what size clothes and diapers to round up that weekend, and in typical Tim fashion (a single 20 something guy) he said, "He's kind of small." I didn't know exactly what that meant, so I just bought 0-3 month clothes, and size one diapers. We figured that after we met him, if he needed preemie diapers, we would just go pick some up. We were ready. Then, we waited.

We were told that we could pick him up the following Wednesday at the Christmas Box House in Salt Lake City. Those days waiting for him were some of the LONGEST days of my life! (Maybe second only to the waiting we are doing now=) (We were still awaiting news on the appeal in our case when this was written).

Tuesday evening, right after 5:00 p.m., we got a call from Tim telling us that there had been a little complication. Ian had developed RSV and was in Primary Children's Hospital. I immediately went into "Mommy mode". "When can I see him?" I asked. He told me that there was a caseworker at Primary Children's who had been assigned to him and she would meet us, check our i.d's to make sure we were who we said we were, and then take us to see him.

However, as I mentioned before, it was now just after 5 p.m. and this caseworker had already gone home for the day. ARGHHHH! I had just spent the last week dreaming of this little boy, buying him tiny clothes, trying to imagine what he would look like, what he would smell like, bonding with him, even though we had never met... I was an expectant Mom.

And now I was being told he was sick, but I couldn't see him until the next day! THAT was the longest night of my life! I didn't sleep all night. I was so sad, and worried, and upset that this tiny baby, whom I was now responsible for, was in the hospital ALONE!!! He had no one to hold him or tell him that he would be okay. (Please pause for a brief intermission here while I wipe my eyes so I can see enough to go on...)

My heart still aches thinking of how helpless and scared I felt that night, and imagining how Ian must have felt spending all those days up there alone. (We found out later that he had been admitted Sunday, and we didn't get to be with him until Wednesday. I am still upset about that one!)

So, first thing Wednesday morning, I started calling the hospital. I left message, after message, after message. No one could give me any information over the phone without his security code, a code that I had to obtain from the hospital caseworker, who still hadn't called me back. I am NOT patient when it comes to things like this, and I was getting pretty agitated knowing that time was being wasted. Precious time that could be spent holding this sweet new baby. Around 12 noon, just as I was thinking we should just go up to the hospital and ask to see him in person, we FINALLY got a call back. We only talked for a brief moment - long enough to learn that he weighed 6 lbs. 6 oz. and to hear his vitals and how he was doing. Then we told her, "We are on our way".

Almost an hour later, we found ourselves in the Infant Medical/Surgical Unit at Primary Children's Hospital. I didn't know where to find the caseworker we were supposed to meet with, but I knew Ian's room #, so we just walked past the nurses station and into his room. I had waited long enough and just NEEDED to see him - we could deal with formalities later!

I walked in first, with Mikey right behind me. His room was a double room, with a curtain to separate the two beds. The curtain was drawn, so we could only see the first bed when we walked in. There was classical music playing softly. We saw a small pile of blankets on the bed, but couldn't make out the little person beneath them until we got closer. I remember vividly that as I crept close to his bed, all I could see was a little fist sticking out as he held the blanket over his face... a little white fist. So, with some humbleness, I am going to acknowledge my naivete here for a moment... I admit, I was expecting a brown fist. So I peeked around the curtain, only to find that the second bed was unoccupied. I looked back at Mike and shrugged, then walked back over to Ian's bed. I will never, ever forget what happened next. I pulled back the blanket, and saw my Ian.

He literally took my breath away the first time I saw him. I gasped, and looked back at Mike to give him a look that said, "This is THE most beautiful baby I have EVER seen!!!" (And yes Tim, he was kind of small!)
 

I have never in my life felt such an INSTANT connection to another person. I loved my Mikey from ALMOST the very beginning, but even he took a little getting used to=)

I absolutely knew from that very first glimpse that I was supposed to be with this little person - that we were supposed to meet. He seemed to know it too. As soon as our eyes met, his eyes opened a little wider, and he followed our every move. Over the next several days, we would notice that even when nurses, or others were in his room, his eyes searched for us and held on tight. He seemed to be saying, "There you are. I was wondering when you would get here." I loved him instantly!!!

I was very guarded with those feelings at first though, because at the time, I knew we would be starting reunification efforts soon with his birth Mom. I tried to tell myself that those feelings just meant that I was meant to be his Mom... for NOW. I knew we were meant to be together, but I didn't know how long we would get. Thankfully now, I can look back and see that even then, I knew that I was MEANT to be his Mom - FOREVER!! 

I can also see how much God is looking out for me. As dumb as it sounds now, I was so worried when we were considering adoption that I wouldn't be able to bond with the child. I thought, "what if they don't feel like MY child?" God KNEW that I needed that reassurance early on that this was indeed MY child, and I never questioned it. Ian is as much my son as he would be if I had chiseled him directly from my own DNA!

I cherish the memories of those first days we had with him in the hospital.  I held him constantly, we bathed him, fed him, had long talks with him, and just basked in the love that he brought into our hearts. 

I slept with him one night, but by then, Ian had a roommate whose Father snored like a freight train, so I got VERY little sleep that night.  Mike and I figured I would be of more use to Ian if I were rested, especially for when we brought him home and I would be getting up all night.  So instead of staying overnight, I would get up early and go directly up for his morning feeding.  I would stay all day, and leave only to come home and sleep.  Mike did the same on the weekend, and would come up after work during the week.  We did this for 6 days.  I was exhausted, but those were 6 days that I got to cherish my new baby and do nothing but hold him and take care of him.  Those were wonderful days. 

We were finally given the okay to take him home Monday morning, January 26.  That is, if he was able to remain off any oxygen for 12 hours.  He made it about 11 hours and 59 minutes before his levels dipped again. Mike was expecting us to come home that day sometime, so he went home after work instead of making his usual trek to the hospital.  However, with Ian's oxygen levels dropping, we had to start the 12 hour wait all over again.  He made it the second time and we were released around 8:00 p.m.  
I WAS PETRIFIED!!!  
Not only was it snowing outside, but Ian had just spent 9 days hooked up to machines that would beep when his oxygen levels got too low, and now I would have no way to know if that happened again.  It had just happened that morning and outwardly, he didn't look any different.  If the machines hadn't gone off, we would have had no way of knowing - I guess until he started turning blue! 
Now here he was, sound asleep in the back seat and we had a 45 minute drive (on a non-snowy day) ahead of us.  So, of course, as any new Mom would worry, I began to fear that something would happen and I wouldn't know it until we got home.  I was a wreck, but we made it home without incident. 
(And FYI, the 0-3 months clothes were all too big, so Ian came home in a preemie outfit that Aunt Jamie bought for him.  Thanks Auntie!) 


Hard to believe it has already been a full year...

I am so grateful to have been given the life that I have been given.  Even the trials and hardship, because it has lead me here.  Going through all the pain that came with trying to become a Mother has taught me so many things.   I have learned patience, I have been given a deeper love for life, an ability to see good in all things, to recognize miracles and God's hand in my life, I have been given greater empathy, more passion, more drive, more fight. All of these were things I needed for the journey toward building our family.  I know I couldn't have done this 7-8 years ago, and I would not have become the woman that Ian deserved for his Mom.  


Ian, you are my angel, and I am happy to celebrate one year (two years) of having you in my life.  You have changed me in ways that are still showing up each new day.  I will always be in awe of you and the love that you created in my heart the day that I first saw your tiny white hand and your big brown eyes ... 
I love you Baby Boy!!!