Time Is Running Out

Have you ever had so much on your To-Do list that you get exhausted just thinking about it all so you just sit down and do nothing?

Yeah, that is me.

I have SO many things that I want to do and get ready before this baby comes and I cannot seem to get any of it together.  I am very much a planner.  I love schedules and organization and there is so much I feel like I need to do.  And yet, none of it is getting done. 
One of the biggest reasons why is Mason.

Little Mason is leaving us soon (most likely in the next few weeks) and I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.  The best way to describe my feelings about it is to compare this situation to a Band-Aid.  I know the end is coming and this dragging it out is SOOOO much worse for me!!!  I wish it were like a Band-Aid and I could just rip it off quickly and start to heal. 

I don't want it to feel like I am just replacing him.  I need some time to mourn him.  I need some time to miss the little chubby cheeks that I may never be able to kiss on again.  I need some time to grieve for the little boy I SO wished could have been mine.

I don't think I am going to get that time and that makes me even more sad.

So I think I am mourning him now, while he is still here.  When I pick him up, he no longer feels like my baby.  Of course I still love him, but now it feels like I am just babysitting someone else's child, and I hate that.

I feel my heart clouding over.  I am finding it so incredibly hard to properly divide my heart between what I am losing and what I am gaining.  My heart is at war and it is hard to get excited about all of the things I want to do for our new little one while knowing that the one who has been my baby for the last 5 months will soon be gone.   I know that Mason belongs to someone else and I just want to move past this time and let my heart be healed enough for my new son.  Trouble is, will it ever really be?!?!

Oh, and by the way... our new baby is coming at least a week earlier than we previously expected!  His birth mom informed us yesterday that she will be induced at 39 weeks if he hasn't made his grand entrance on his own before then.  That means a little more than TWO WEEKS people!!!!!

So much to do and so little time...
I think I'll take a nap!!