National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I must admit, with how crazy my life is these days, I almost forgot about it completely.  Were it not for some beautiful posts about it by some dear friends of mine who have experienced infertility, this week would have come and gone without a second thought by me.  

I am glad that didn't happen!

By the absolute grace of God, my infertility is not in the forefront of my mind anymore, but as I am sure anyone who has suffered from it would tell you, it never leaves you completely.  Even now, with three beautiful kids, there are times when my infertility still has the ability to knock the wind out of me.  But I am grateful for the chance to think about it this week, to think about how it has changed my life, and to be grateful for who I have become, as an infertile woman.

The years that I spent in the darkest depths of infertility were so intense, so painful and so life altering.  They are days that will be part of my soul forever.  

My infertility taught me a lot of lessons, that I didn't want to learn.  

It made me question my womanhood.  Could I be a "whole" woman if my body couldn't do what God intended for it to do?  

I had to learn not to be resentful when other women around me became pregnant and had babies.  

I had to learn how to hold a newborn child and not shake with longing.  

I had to learn how to be able to walk into my ob's office and hold back the tears.
I had to learn that sometimes the tears were okay, like when my cysts were being measured by ultrasound and I knew that it would never be a baby that I watched being measured on that black and white screen.

I had to learn to put up a brave front while hurting more than I had ever thought I could survive.  

I had to learn simple, non-informative answers to give to the relentless questions of "Why don't you guys have any kids?"  

I had to learn that my plan was never meant to be the vessel that brought my children into the world, but the safety net which would carry and nurture them through their life in it.

That last one is the one that I hold onto most dearly now.  

When I was hurting so much from wanting a child and not being able to have one, I just wanted people to see it from my side.  Then they would never have said things to me like "You really shouldn't be so selfish and wait so long to have a baby" or "You'll regret it someday if you choose never to have children" or that "if you just relax, or adopt, you will get pregnant", as if I were somehow to blame or that I was somehow preventing my own pregnancy from happening! 

So if all I do today is help one person to think twice before making a seemingly harmless comment to a childless woman, who could be hurting inside as much as I was, then my job here is done.

But again, aside from wanting to make people aware that so many women (and men) struggle with infertility and that we should all remember to be more kind and more tactful in our dealings with each other, I want to again say how grateful I am for my infertility.  I could never have seen that, much less said that even five years ago.  But now I see that without it, I would not have looked for MY children.  I would not have what I have now, which I would never trade for anything in the world!!!

The first time I held my Ian

I know that I have been blessed, FAR more than I ever dared dream I would be, and having had to struggle for that family makes me appreciate it even more.  Even though a part of my heart will probably always mourn the fact that I couldn't bring my beautiful children into this world myself, I am grateful that we found each other, no matter what it took, and that we have each other now.  The "how" they got here is nowhere near as important as the fact that THEY ARE HERE! 
And they are mine, and I am grateful.

Big hugs to any of you who have suffered through infertility.  It is my hope that if you haven't found your peace with it already that you will find it very soon!