Flashback Friday: What Now?

I haven't written a Flashback Friday post in quite a while, so I figured it was about time.

Flashback Friday's ~ This idea began one day while I was perusing through some of my old posts on a private blog we had set up for friends and family while our son was in foster care.

A lot of really wonderful things happened to our little family while we had our private blog set up, so every now and then, I am going to re-post some of those wonderful memories. I hope you will enjoy looking back at them as much as I do!

This post was written two years ago, at a time of great sadness and uncertainty for our little family. We had no idea of the miracles and wonders that were waiting for us just around the corner, and we were struggling a bit.

"What Now?" - originally posted

December 8, 2008

I have really been missing my baby "H" these past couple of days.  Several events in my life have led my thoughts to him, and I miss him.  I know that over the years, this will probably occur pretty often, but today I wish I could hold him and kiss those little cheeks.  I wonder what he is doing and pray that he is happy and healthy.

As most of you know, I quit my job back in October to devote 100% of my time to Hayden and being a good Mom for him.  And now that he is gone, and we still haven't committed totally to taking in another child, I have been faced with long, lonely days and thoughts of what my life means right now.  What am I supposed to be doing?  Do I go back to work?  To school?  Do I open up my heart again knowing that I will be hurt?  What is my purpose?

Then I got an email from my sweet foster Mom friend.  I don't know how she does it, because really, she hardly knows me, but she always knows what I need to hear at the right time.  She is much more religious than I am, so I wouldn't have found this article on my own, but she must have known I needed to hear it.

"More than any other enterprise we engage in during our mortal life, we are measured by how we care for His little ones.  Even if it's only for a little time, the love these foster parents gave stays given." (article written by Orson Scott Card)

How can that be any more clear, right?  I am worrying about what career path I should be exploring when all I really want to do is be a Mom. I keep forcing those feelings aside, however, because I feel like I can't be a Mom and I should just accept that and figure out something else to do with my life. But I am coming up blank. Maybe that is my answer.  Maybe I just needed someone to smack me in the face with it, because I couldn't accept it otherwise.  My wise friend also gave me this piece of personal advice.  " Let your heart heal, then follow it. It will likely lead you down avenues you never dreamed of. I NEVER dreamed mine would lead me here."

I never could have dreamed that one day I would be a foster parent, but it has changed me in so many ways and I am so glad that we chose to do this.  I think if I had been able to have children of my own, I would never have let my heart lead me in this direction and therefore, I never would have met Hayden.  With that in mind, I am excited to know who else might be out there waiting for us.

I am grateful to have my friend and her experiences to show me that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I am grateful that I was strong enough to take this path, and hope that I am strong enough to do it again.  I guess I am still trying to heal, but hopefully soon I will get to see where, and to who, my heart will lead me next.