"Uterless"

I just realized that 6 months ago today, I went in for my big, life changing surgery.

It has been 6 months since this day.  

6 months!!!!

I can't believe it has been that long already, but I have to say, I feel so much better now than I ever have before!  I didn't realize how bad it had really gotten, or how much emotion and hurt was tied up in that one single organ, until it was gone. 

Now I am free - free to be the me that was hidden behind so much pain before.  I feel so much more relief, not only physically, but emotionally as well. 

Without that very painful and cruel reminder every month of how broken I am, I can now focus on how NOT broken I am and how great and full and blessed my life really is.

I am so glad I took this step toward a better life, and that it has turned out to be such a positive thing for me.  

I think I might have to go out and celebrate my being "uterless" today!!!!

Four Weeks

Yesterday marked four weeks from the day of my surgery.  

Four weeks - a month!  

I am SO glad to have made it through the roughest parts of the recovery process and to now have better health to look forward to, every single day.

I had a checkup with my boyfriend, uhhh... I mean my surgeon yesterday. (Wink, wink hubby=)  He said that everything looks great and I am healing wonderfully.  Yeah body!!!  

He also gave me the pictures he took of my uterus.  

(And NO, I am not going to post them!  But if you want to see the gory details, come on over.) 

I am really glad to have them though.  The pictures are another HUGE piece of closure for me.  They show me, in bloody, vivid detail, exactly how much suffering I had been subjected to and how much relief I now have to look forward to with my uterus gone and out of there.  

My doctor asked me if I missed my uterus, and I said, "No way.  Not at all."  Even though I am still recovering, and still dealing with the pains and discomforts that came from having surgery, I am feeling 

SO MUCH BETTER already!! 

I really didn't expect to be feeling this good already, and I am grateful for this wonderful surprise.  I know that once I can walk at more than a snail's pace, when I can stand up straight and not hunch over when I feel a tug, when I can make it through an entire day without needing ibuprofen, or when I can stop shuffling my feet and feeling like I need a nap all day long, that I will feel even better. 

That is really exciting to me!

I am so grateful to have made this decision, and to have a month of recovery already behind me.  

I really worried that with having this surgery, I would be trading in one set of problems for another.  The knowledge I have now, knowing that this isn't what happened, is a  

very Merry Christmas present to me indeed.

And as a little Merry Christmas gift to you, since I am in such a good mood (either that or I was just suffering from a moment of insanity) I briefly considered giving you a glimpse of my "swelly belly", just to show you how far I have come.

Then my sanity returned=)  Email me if you really want to see the before and after's of my incision and I will send them your way. 

Yep, I am just that giving=)

Recovery Update

Since I have nothing to do these days but lie around in bed watching TV, reading, or playing on the computer, I thought I would take a few of my "computer browsing minutes" to fill you in on how my recovery is going.

First up,  the blood clot.  There really isn't too much to say in this department.  I go in for my ultrasound tomorrow to make sure it isn't growing or shifting, but in the meantime, it really hasn't been bothering me too much.  I still have it wrapped, because I was told to but also because it really does seem to help with the pain.  It is still a bit sore, but really not too bad.  Hopefully, they are going to tell me tomorrow that is is shrinking and that I don't have a thing to worry about!  We're all keeping our fingers crossed for that one!

As far as my incision goes, it is still really sore and swollen.  My whole stomach is pretty swollen actually, and I am  NOT too thrilled to hear that this wonderful little side effect can last for months sometimes!!  Oh well.  It is winter and I can hide it under baggy sweatshirts=)  The incision itself looks pretty great, I must say.  Even at this point, not even two weeks post surgery, it is healing so quickly and looks SO much better already.  I think that once it is done healing, it will hardly even be noticeable!  Not that anyone is going to be looking down there anyway, but I'm just saying...=)

I am starting to feel a lot of sharp tugs and pains inside my belly.  I am sure this is just tissues reattaching and healing, but that kind of hurts.  My doctor told us there are hundreds of stitches in there and that they don't dissolve for 2-3 weeks, so I imagine this is a feeling I will be having quite often over the next week or so.   I think the combination of things healing and me moving around a lot more is a big reason why I have started experiencing these pains.  Plus, I have developed a small, annoying cough that really hurts too.  Hopefully that will be gone soon!  However, I understand that these pains are all part of the healing process, and I am quite happy to have this hurdle, knowing that I will never have a uterine cramp ever again!!!!!!!!!!

Now here is where I am going to enter the gross, T.M.I. part of my recovery update.  If you want to tune out now, I don't blame you.  However, if you are brave and if you have strong stomach's and want to keep going, don't say I didn't warn you!!

There has been one part of my recovery that has definitely been the worst pain that I have ever endured in my life.  It was a moment when I was sure I would pass out and my husband would have to call an ambulance, and it is something I REALLY wish someone could have warned me about.  

It was the dreaded first bowel movement.  

Now, I know that some of you ladies who have had babies have experienced pain with your first post-baby b.m. Yeah, this was NOTHING like that!!!  (At least from what I have been told).  I had read a lot of women's advice and experiences prior to my own surgery and when they mentioned, in passing, that it might hurt the first time, I just assumed they meant the incision would hurt.  Boy, was I wrong!!!!

The night before Thanksgiving, which was day 7 of my post-op recovery, I had still not gone to the bathroom.  I started getting severe gas pains and spasms in my stomach like I had never experienced, and that night quickly turned into the worst night of my whole life!!  

Now, even with the warning, I am not going to go into too much detail here, for my own sake and embarrassment, but I will say that by the end of it, I was drenched in sweat, I had thrown up, I was shaking uncontrollably, and was relieved beyond measure that it was all over with!!!  Apparently, my colon was severely impacted from a combination of being shoved up into my ribcage during surgery and packed with sponges to hold it in place, lack and/or decrease of movement, and constipation caused from taking narcotics.  Let's just say that it was like passing a brick and I am being VERY careful right now to ensure that nothing like this EVER happens again!!!

But that isn't quite the end.  I don't know if I contracted a stomach bug, or if it was just a reaction from the whole "cleansing" experiment, but a few short hours after I went to the bathroom, I woke up feeling like I had the flu.  I was so sick, and it was Thanksgiving morning.   

I was so sad.  

It was the first Thanksgiving that Ian would experience as an official member of our family and because of me, he wasn't going to be able to go.  And what's more, Mike had to miss out on a 5k that he was signed up to run that morning with his pal Sheldon, because he had to stay home and take care of me.  

What a yucky morning!!!  

But luckily, things turned around and after a nap that afternoon, I found that I felt well enough to make the trek 

"over the river and through the woods".

We had Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house, and it was the most delicious meal I had had in weeks, maybe even months!  I am sure it was partly due to the fact that all I had eaten in almost 24 hours was crackers and toast, but it really tasted SO good!!!  I was so grateful that my family worked so hard to prepare it, and they were all very relieved and excited that we were able to make it and enjoy it with them after all.  AND certainly not to be left out, I must mention that my fabulous husband made two pies, from scratch, all on his own!!  Pumpkin and Pecan, and they were not only beautiful, but delicious!!!!  I was so proud!!=)

Each day is getting better and better, and I am starting to feel a little more human all the time.  Today I even braved the stairs and Mike and I spent the afternoon sleeping through a movie downstairs together=)  

Ian has had to adjust to life with his Mom out of commission, and although he is struggling a bit, he is a little trooper!  We had a rough week in the beginning, but now that I can move around a bit more and I am not just lying in bed all day, things have definitely improved.  I think he was a little afraid of me at first, and was REALLY attached to Mike when I first got home.  Plus, it has turned into winter here, almost overnight, so he can't go outside to play like he loves, so he is struggling with that too.  But now we have developed a pretty smooth rhythm and I think his world is coming slightly back into alignment.  We have a small step ladder that we have placed next to his crib so that I can slide it over and help him climb in and out, and he thinks that is pretty cool.  He has also started to say, "Mommy, hold you" a lot.  It is so cute, but it makes me feel bad that I can't pick him up.  I miss just grabbing him and scooping him up in my arms, but those days will be back before we know it.  For now, we both settle for the side by side snuggles on the bed and couch.  

I also don't know what either of us would do without Mike.  To be perfectly honest, I am kind of afraid of what I will do when he has to go back to work.  We still have another full week with him, and at the rate I am healing, I think that I will be okay physically.  But Ian and I both love having Daddy around and  we are both going to be sad to see him go back!! There will probably be a lot of tears, and an obscene amount of cookies and chocolate consumed that day, but in the end, I am sure we will survive that too!

And I have one more little thing to share about my week, even though it has nothing to do with my recovery.  A couple of nights ago, we were all watching the movie "Happy Feet".  Our little man was dancing all around the room, because I am quite sure he was born with "happy feet" too.  But just then, I remembered something that I had bought for him and told him that there was a present under the tree for him to open early.  I don't know how he knew which one it was, but he ran over and grabbed the right one.  Mike helped him open it and together they discovered their Fisher Price nativity scene.  Ian loved it!!!  Mike helped him open all the pieces as I described who they were and told him the nativity story for the first time.  After a few minutes of playing with all the animals, he came running over to me saying, "Mommy, baby!"  I told him that was baby Jesus.  He looked at it, thought about it for a minute, and then went over to his blanket and wrapped him up.  He gave it a soft pat and said, "Night night baby!"  Isn't he precious?!?!?

I Forgot To Tell You

I can't believe that I forgot to tell you the BEST part of my surgery story!

 And tell you, I will!
But first, a little history...

You see, my stomach is pretty swollen and puffy right now.  Even the "granny panties" that I bought too big and baggy on purpose, so that I would have something comfortable to wear during this recovery time, are fitting a bit snug. 

PUFFY and SWOLLEN - two words that a girl does not want used to described herself!!!
So, as you can probably imagine, I am NOT feeling my sexiest at the moment!!

This leads us to reason #428 why I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that doctor of mine!!!! 

As he was telling me about my surgery and describing to me what was done, he just so happened to mention that I have "really tight ab muscles".  I chuckled at this because I certainly wasn't feeling tight and fit at the moment, but he said, "No really.  You do.  It was difficult to spread them apart to get beneath them, they were so tight".

Yeah me!!!!!

I think I have a new crush=)

Surgery

**Small disclaimer - I tend to go into a lot of detail, so I apologize in advance if this post is T.M.I.**
(However, you must know that I really care because I have included some pretty beautiful pictures of myself!  Either that, or it is the drugs taking over=)

 Here I am, six days post-surgery, full of hundreds of stitches and pain like I have never experienced before, yet marveling at what an experience this has been! 

It all started last Wednesday when we had to check into the hospital at 11 a.m.  We took Ian to my sister's and got to the hospital without a minute to spare.  We checked in and waited about 20 minutes before they took me back to get prepped.  I peed in a cup and then donned the lovely blue hospital gown and compression stockings.  Mike thought they were some pretty sexy thigh-high's but for some reason when I asked him if he wanted me to bring them home with us, he said no=).  

Next came the i.v.  I must admit that I wasn't very excited about this part.  First of all, who likes needles?  Also, whenever I have had to have an i.v. in the past, they have ached the whole time, and seeing as I was going to have this one in for awhile, I wasn't excited.  The first try hit a valve of some sort, and hurt a lot! After poking around and agonizingly trying to move it into position, with no luck, another nurse came in and decided to try my other arm.  I am so glad she came in because I barely felt it going in and it didn't bother me at all throughout my entire stay.  I now have a tiny red dot where the i.v. was while my other arm has a nasty looking bruise!

Next they wheeled me upstairs where we met with my doctor and went over all the last minute details.  I teared up a little as I kissed my sweet hubs goodbye and then I was wheeled toward the O.R.  Just before I went in, I met my anesthesiologist and we talked for a few minutes.  That's the last thing I remember. I don't even remember being wheeled into the O.R.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery with my doctor squeezing my arm and asking me how I was feeling.  I cried as I said, "it hurts!"  He said something to the nurse and I went out again.  Apparently I was in recovery for awhile, trying to regulate my pain and get me to wake up enough to move me to my room.  

I do remember that ride, and every single bump along the way!!! 

Mike joined me as I was wheeled into my room, and although I know this is cheesy, I immediately felt better just from seeing his face!!  

It took several hours to get my pain to a reasonable level, and I was drifting in and out of sleep the whole time.  My parents were there and stayed with me for awhile.  My Mom held my hand and fed me ice chips as I continuously pushed my pain pump and dozed.  Eventually my parents left, and Mike settled in to spend the night with me.  I slept really well that night, and was fairly comfortable - probably mostly due to the fact that I still had anesthesia in me.  

Thursday went pretty well, and Mike and I just relaxed and watched movies all day.  I was on a clear liquid diet, and wasn't moving around too much.  I switched from the i.v. meds to pills and they took out my catheter that morning.  The first time I stood up to use the bathroom was very painful!  I was SO glad that Mike was there to help me because I soon found out that nurses were hard to find when you really needed them!  It hurt to stand up straight and my incision felt like it was going to split wide open!  But even as I am writing this now, it is amazing how much better everything has gotten!  It is a good thing that I started with the worst pain and just went up from there because each day has made me grateful that I don't still feel like the day before it!

Mike went home Thursday night to spend time with Ian and to let him sleep at home in his own bed, and looking back, I think it is probably a good thing that he wasn't there Friday morning!  I didn't sleep as well Thursday night, but still did okay.  However, Friday morning was a whole different story!!!  My new nurse came in at around 8:50 a.m. I told her that I was due for my next dose of medication in ten minutes, and she said she would be right back in with it.  At 9:15 another nurse came by and I asked her to please track down my nurse because the pain was starting to get bad.  When she still wasn't there at 9:25, I pushed the nurse call button and begged them to bring me my pills.  When she finally came in at 9:40, I was sobbing!  It hurt SO bad and crying hurt it even more.  She saw me and said, "Oh, sorry it took me so long."  I would've punched her in the face if I could have reached her, and I know Mike would have done worse!  Jamie later told me that he was really pissed when he called around 10:30 and could hear the pain in my voice.  He didn't even know what had happened yet, but said, "she was fine when I left her last night, so I don't know what has changed." He was none too happy when he found out.

It took me ALL DAY to get my pain back under control.  From then on out, I informed each new nurse that they absolutely could NOT go one minute later than the four hours between meds or they would have he*% to pay!!!

I also learned that day that even though I wasn't hungry, I still needed to eat.  I think that is part of the reason why it took so long for me to feel well again.  So in addition to getting my pills on time, I made sure to eat every chance I could.

I was feeling pretty good by late Friday afternoon, and had I not still had the aforementioned "wonderful" nurse, I am pretty sure I could've gone home that night. However, she "forgot" to call my doctor to sign my discharge papers until after the clinic was already closed for the day, so I had to wait until Saturday for the on-call doctor to discharge me. 

Saturday afternoon, the on-call doctor came in, signed the papers, and I was cleared to go home.  My nurse removed the staples (which really didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would) and we went home.  That drive was not fun!  

I forgot to mention earlier, that I had been battling nausea all week.  Every time I stood, and sometimes just taking the meds would make me very nauseous.  Well, the drive home was no exception.  I had to put my sleep mask on to block out all light, and just take deep breaths the whole way.  But eventually we made it, and can I just say, what a huge difference being in your own home, in your own bed can make?!?!?!

I immediately felt better knowing that I was now in Mike's hands - that I would get my medicine precisely when I needed it and my meals would be served whenever I needed them too.  Ahhhh...home sweet home!

Ian was still at my Mom and Dad's, so they headed out to bring him (and dinner) to us that night.  Meanwhile, I wanted to take a shower to get the nasty "hospital" smell off of me.  I told Mike to listen for the water to shut off as his cue to come help me, and I stepped in.  It was hard, but it felt really, really good too!  I couldn't move around much, but I still managed to wash, at least the most vital areas, and my hair.  And then...the nausea was back!!  I absolutely DID NOT want to throw up!  With a huge incision, right on my stomach, throwing up was the last thing I wanted to do right then!  So as soon as Mike walked into the bathroom, I breathed, "I'm going to throw up!  I need to lie down!!"  So as fast as my old lady shuffle could get me there, I laid down on the cloud bed, soaking wet and shivering uncontrollably.  Mike covered me up and after about 10 minutes, and thankfully no puke, I got up and finished dressing.

Sunday brought us a new adventure.  When I got up to use the bathroom, I noticed a pain in my right calf that felt like a charlie horse.  I tried to pretend it wasn't there, but when several hours went by and the pain was still there, I called the doctor.  Back to the E.R. for us to rule out a blood clot.  No such luck!  That is exactly what it was.  Hooray!!  Just what I wanted - one more thing to worry about!  There isn't too much they can do for it, so they told me to take aspirin, elevate it and wrap it with an ace bandage, and come back in a week for another ultrasound to make sure it isn't growing or moving.

Other than that, I am happy to report that my recovery is moving along swimmingly!=)

Mike has been an absolute God send!  I can tell he is a little stressed out, but the relief I have knowing that he has everything under control, is immeasurable.  I can concentrate on healing and getting better and I know he has everything else under control!  He is most definitely better than all of the nurses I had at the hospital combined!  And even though Ian doesn't like his Mommy being out of commission, he has been really sweet too!

Each day has me moving around a little more, doing more things by myself, and feeling a little better.  It really is astonishing how fast the human body can repair itself!!  My incision is numb, and still quite painful.  I can't walk faster than a snail's pace, and it is still hard to stand up straight.  I struggle to get out of bed myself, and still need help doing almost everything.  However, I can now shower AND get dressed myself without feeling nauseous!  Plus, I have gone from needing two percocet's every four hours to just one every 4-6 hours, so I would say that is progress=)

This has definitely been an interesting experience for me.  I worried so much over the decision to do it or not, for many reasons.  Then once I had made my decision, I still had doubts.  And then there was the waiting...the waiting was the worst part!

So what would I say if you were to ask me, "was it worth it"?

As far as the surgery and recovery goes, I would say that it really hasn't been as bad as I was expecting.  Yes, it is bad and I definitely wouldn't ever want to go through something like this again, but I had prepared myself for much worse, so that part, I can handle.

But the far bigger worry for me was the emotional strain that this surgery would have on my heart and on my soul.  Was it worth it in that regard?

Let me answer that by telling you a little story.

Thursday morning, my doctor came into my room to check on me.  He then told me what he had found once he got inside me.  He told me that 20% of women will experience some form of fibroid cysts.  And out of that 20%, most of those women have a large amount of uterine tissue and a smaller percentage of fibroid tissue.  However, with me, it was almost the exact opposite.  I had extremely large amounts of fibroid tissue, and hardly any healthy uterine tissue left.  He said when holding my uterus in his hands, it felt like a bag of marbles.

Plus, one of my tubes (which were both open in 2004) was completely closed off and attached with endometriosis to the side of my colon.  My left ovary was covered in endometrial scar tissue.  He was able to remove my tube from my colon, and laser off most of the scar tissue from the ovary, leaving both ovaries intact.  But then he said the words I really needed to hear.  The words that erased all doubt over whether I was making the right decision or if I had rushed into this too soon.  

He looked me in the eye and said that after getting in there and really taking a look, he can say with almost absolute certainty that I would never have been able to sustain a pregnancy.  In vitro would not have worked, and us trying on our own for another 2, 5 or 10 years more would not have worked.  There was simply no healthy uterine tissue left for an egg to attach to.

I started crying as soon as he walked out the door.  

 I made a very difficult choice to improve my own health and for the benefit of those I love and now I will always know that I made the right choice.  Thank heaven for small miracles!!!

Today my doctor called to give me the pathology results.  Everything came back benign, and there was also the presence of another disease we didn't previously know about - adenomyosis.   Adenomyosis is uterine thickening that occurs when endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, moves into the outer muscular walls of the uterus.  Basically, this is like endometriosis, but inside the muscle of the uterus causing it to become enlarged and thickened, and causes a lot more painful cramping.  Another confirmation that I did the right thing!

After all the intense worry and stress that I had over whether or not to do this surgery, having this knowledge now is such a HUGE blessing for me.

I am at peace, and I am grateful!!!

And I couldn't end this post without, once again, saying a very sincere "Thank You" to everyone who has called, sent flowers and gifts, or brought in food for us during my recovery.  It means so much to me to know how much I am loved and missed when I am out of commission.

Thankfully this is something that can now just be a memory and I can move forward, without any regrets or doubts, into a healthier and more pain free future.

Hallelujah!!!!

I Made It!

Surgery was a success, and is thankfully now just a memory!  

I will write about it in more detail later, when my mind isn't such a fuzzy, percocet covered cotton ball, but I wanted to let you all know that I am doing well and to thank you for all of the love and prayers that you have sent my way!!!  I have definitely felt it and it has made such a HUGE difference for me.

Thank you again!!  Love you all!

This Is It

So, this is it.  

I have less than 24 hours left to enjoy life with all of the organs I was born with.  

I am ready, but I guess you could say that the nerves are getting to me.  I have cleaned my whole house, top to bottom - some places more than once.  Every scrap of laundry has been washed, folded and put away.  Groceries have been purchased, and the freezer is stocked and ready.  Our Christmas tree is up and the presents are wrapped and lovingly placed underneath it.  I have packed a bag for both myself and for Ian.  I am about to make my Thanksgiving contribution and stick it in the freezer until next week.  Oh, and did I mention that I have been up since 2:30 this morning???

The waiting has been  awful, so I am just ready to get this over with!!!

I am not sure how long it will be before I blog again, but the next time you hear from me, I will hopefully be a few pounds lighter and feeling a whole lot better!!

See you on the flip side=)

Ebb

I really debated about what to write today, because the feelings that inspired this post are very raw and tender.  On the one hand I wanted to hide them and protect them and keep them safe.  But on the other hand, I know getting it out will help me too.  So with the knowledge that this post was hard for me to write, but will likely help me in the end, here goes.

Do you remember when I said that I suspected I would have good days and bad days, ebbs and flows, when it comes to my upcoming surgery?  Well, yesterday was one big, fat, ugly EBB!!!  So big in fact, that I am still feeling the effects from it today.

Looking back on yesterday, I don't really even understand how it all happened.  I do know that it started when I expressed hurt and disappointment to Mike over a decision he made that I felt went against something we had previously discussed.  From there my world spun out of control and ended up with more hurt and frustration than I have possibly ever felt before in my life.  I don't want to go into more detail about it than that, because I really feel that what we said is, and should remain, private.

However, during the heat of the discussion, something came out of my mouth that surprised me a bit and that is what I want to get off my chest here today.  Have you ever said something that you didn't see coming and then thought to yourself, "Hmmm... That was unexpected!" 

I did yesterday.  I was trying to explain to Mike about how I am trying so hard to sort through and understand the emotions that are associated with this decision.  I am having a really hard time with that part of it, and I struggle with it every day.  I wonder if this really is the right thing to do, or if I am making a mistake.  I thought I had worked it out as to why I was having this emotional internal debate with myself every day, but I guess not.

I told him that I am not doing this because I have "no choice" - I do have a choice, and that makes this even harder for me.  I wish someone would just tell me "you have to do this" and take away my choice.  I have had to make so many hard choices as to how to become a parent, and I guess I just didn't feel like I had enough left inside me to make this choice too.  At least not without a lot of pain and doubt and self-loathing along the way. 

Then the surprise came.  I told Mike that "I feel like I am doing this because I am selfish.  I can't handle a little pain and because of my selfishness, I could permanently deny any future children of ours from coming to us this way."

Yeah...didn't see that one coming.

I didn't consciously know that was one of my fears until the words came out.  And those words were lost in the discussion, so it wasn't until later that I could really think about the impact of them.  Am I selfish?  Am I doing this too hastily because I want relief for myself, at the expense of my future children?  I know there are extremely valid reasons for doing this, and my doctor wouldn't be doing it if there weren't.  I also know that as the surgery is nearing, I am just getting scared.  And the big irony here is that I really, truly feel like I am not meant to ever be pregnant.  So why am I stressing over this SO much?!?!?

This is so hard.  I really wish it wasn't but it is.  I am having a hard time understanding just how deep the level of my uncertainty and fear goes, and I wish I knew for certain what to do.

So, I found myself standing in my kitchen early this morning, crying harder than I have in a long, long time.  Waves and waves of sadness and unexpressed emotion just washed over me.  I had so many fears and doubts running through my mind and I don't trust myself or anyone else enough now to talk about it.  What else is buried in there that I don't want to face?

  Ughhh....Ebb, Ebb, go away...

It's Official

Several years ago, I bought two maternity shirts at an Old Navy sale.  I thought they were too cute to pass up, so I bought them in the hopes that I would get to wear them someday.  

Yesterday, I gave them to my adorably cute pregnant friend Abby.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to use those shirts, so giving them away was part of the healing process for me, I think.  I know that this surgery is what I need to do, but I don't anticipate that it will be easy.  Physically or emotionally.  I have accepted it, but I still feel sad about it.  I think some days will be better for me than others, and probably will be for a long time.  But life is always like that, right?

Well, as you already know, I had a feeling as to what my doctor was going to say about the results of my ultrasound, and I had those thoughts confirmed when he called me this morning.  We talked about what he saw and what we both thought about it.

Then I took the information he gave me and I did a little more research on my own.  Now, I don't want to get too graphic here, but what I learned was kind of shocking.  My largest fibroid has doubled in size over these last six years.  It has grown from 2 cm (approximately the size of a golf ball) to 4 to 4.5 cm now.  This is roughly the size of a fetus at 11 weeks.  Let me just add here that the normal size of a woman's uterus who has not had children is 8 cm.  8 cm!  Which means that this one fibroid I have is roughly half the size of my entire uterus!!! And I have at least eight in there, if not more!

When I read this, I instantly thought of the images from an episode of the Dr. Oz show that my Mom had me watch recently.  When I first told my Mom that I was going to schedule this surgery, she cried.  She really didn't want me to have to go through something so drastic and so final at such a young age.  Then after watching this episode, she called me and said, "It's no wonder you have been in so much pain!"  The images are kind of gross, but they show a normal uterus, and one with fibroid cysts.  When Mike and I watched it, he said, "Eww!  I wonder if that is what yours looks like!"  I think it just might.

Yeah...time to get that outta there!!!

 So, after talking with my doctor about what was going on and what he thought would be best for me, we scheduled the surgery for...

November 17th.

Luckily my hubby has a TON of vacation, so he will be taking several weeks off to help me out.  Love him!!!  He has been nothing but supportive of me in this whole situation and I really couldn't have made this decision without him.  Plus, I have SO many wonderful and loving friends that I know I can count on as well. You guys are the best!!  (And I know you probably all will anyway, but please send an extra prayer my way on that day=)

Because come November 17th,

"Ready or not, here I come!"

The Big "H"

Last weekend I had a dream that I was having a baby. Not that I was going to have a baby, but that I was actually in the throws of active labor, physically trying to push a baby out of my body!  I was feeling what it would be like to give birth, in painful and exquisite detail.

This wasn't the first time I have had a dream like this either.  When I had the first one, several years ago, I was so sure that this was a premonition of something to come, that I wrote the dream down in explicit detail so that I could compare it to the "real thing" when that day came.  

This time I knew it wasn't a premonition of something to come.  Instead,  I think it was my mind's interpretation of something happening right then.

I awoke in the middle of the dream in blinding and excruciating pain.  It started in my uterus and radiated outward, like white, hot fingers.  I was sweaty and hot.  My arms and legs were tingling and numb from the pain.  My shoulders, where I just so happen to carry all of my stress, were knotted and throbbing.  The pain was coming in such intense waves, that I found myself breathing through them, much like the contraction's in my dream.  I was lying as still as I could, and thankful that Mike was still sleeping soundly, because every movement seemed like a jolt of lightning, directed right at my mid-section.  

It was bad. 

Yet, in the middle of all the pain, I felt relief.  I was relieved because a sense of peace and calm had settled in over my heart.  A prayer of mine was being answered, and I was starting to understand what  it was I needed to do.

Let me explain.

A couple of weeks ago, I had my annual ob/gyn exam.  (Lucky me, I know!!)  My doctor asked me how things had been going with me since the last time we talked the previous Fall. I told him that my life was simply wonderful - that is unless we were talking in gynecologic terms.  And then I explained to him how much worse things have gotten for me, and how extremely tired I was!

Not so much physically tired, although I do feel that.  But tired of the constant war raging within my own body.   Tired of the battle to feel normal, to feel good.  Tired of having to take so much medication just to make it through some days.  Tired of feeling like I am robbing my family of time and attention that they need from me, because I am too focused on the pain.  Tired of feeling anxiety, stress and fear over just thinking about having to endure another period.   

SO tired of taking birth control (which has a whole set of its own problems for me). What was the point?  I wanted to keep my uterus so that I could keep open that infinitesimal chance that I might someday get pregnant - even though in over 8 years of actively trying, and even having some assistance, it has never happened once.  Yet I had to be on birth control to keep my symptoms somewhat at bay, so getting pregnant wasn't going to happen anyway.  And things were steadily getting so much worse along the way, even though the pill was supposed to be helping!  Man, was I tired!!!

Tired of trying to ignore the ever constant and worsening problems, and pretending like all was fine.

All was not fine, and I was finally ready to come to terms with that and do something about it.

My doctor and I talked in great detail about the big "H" - hysterectomy.  I have been so scared of this word! A few years back, my doctor told me that I needed to prepare for the fact that it was an inevitable part of my near future, and I have been afraid of it ever since.  At the time I was told this news, I was devastated to say the least!  I wasn't a mom yet, and I was desperate to keep my dysfunctional body intact at all costs.  Today, I feel much differently!  I know now that I do not need to be pregnant to be a mom.  The end result is exactly the same for me as any other mother, I just don't have to put my already overloaded body through the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth.  I really wonder if God might be protecting me from a pain that is just too much to bear, and for that, I am secretly grateful!  

Over these past few months leading up to this appointment, I have been carefully weighing all of my options, and doing a lot of research on my own.  I was trying to determine what it was that I wanted to do, because I knew something had to be done.  I couldn't keep going on with things the way they were.  It has been a constant thought in my mind, and those thoughts always kept coming back to the big "H".  I think I was in denial about it though, and was insistent on finding another way.

I knew what my hubby thought about it.  You see, he is the one who miserably and helplessly watches as I am crying uncontrollably, shaking and unable to even stand.  He is the one who suffers when the birth control I am on zaps my sex drive and makes me act irrationally.  And he was also an up-close witness to the personal and intimate moments of me becoming a mother, without bearing a child, so yes - he wants me to be rid of this diseased portion of myself, which has done nothing for me but cause a lot of problems.  He wants me to feel better.  He knows I don't need the constant stress or pain.  He knows I don't need this to be a mother.  He wants what is best for me.  I just wasn't ready to admit that I wanted that too.

Then I talked about it - out loud.  Out loud to the person who could actually do something about it, my doctor.  I put a voice to all the problems, all the fears, and all the questions in my heart.  I told him about all of the things I had researched and what I thought about it.  In return, I didn't only hear his medical point of view, and how it related to me personally and my individual physical symptoms, but he also gave me his personal opinions.  He told me all of my options, told me what he thought, having been my doctor for all these years, and then he quietly said, "If you were my wife, and we weren't relying on pregnancy to become parents, I wouldn't want to keep watching you go through so much pain."  I smiled and chuckled a little at this last part.  He looked at me questioningly and I said, "You sound just like my husband!"

I was starting to see how much my heart already knew, and just how much I had been avoiding it.

 That appointment was a week and a half ago.  When I woke up last weekend in immense pain, and still managed to recognize the calm and peace underneath it all, I knew that was my answer. 

I knew what I needed to do.

And yet the fear was still there.  This decision is such a final one.  Is it really the best path for me?  

The doubt was coming back.

Yesterday I called and talked to my doctor about a surgery that would just remove some problematic fibroid cysts I have and not take out my entire uterus.  God bless him, he is such a great doctor, and such a kind man.  He carefully explained to me what that would entail, what it would mean for me, and told me I had some thinking to do.  He wanted me to think about how much I was willing to go through in "hopes" that it might work.  He wanted me to think about why I had told him I wanted a hysterectomy in the first place.  He told me to think things over and we would talk when he was back in the office on Tuesday.

Today I had an ultrasound to measure those cysts I have in my uterus.  My doctor thinks this is the biggest factor (one of many) affecting me and all of the pain I have been experiencing.  The fibroids were last measured six and a half years ago when I had laporoscpoic surgery and he wanted to see if they have gotten bigger. During my pelvic exam, he said they felt a lot bigger and he wanted to be sure.  

When the technician started, she said, "It looks like you have three or four fibroids.  Does that sound about right?"  I said, "Yeah, I think so."  It had been a long time, but I remember my doctor saying I had a lot of little ones, but a few that were bigger and more troublesome than the others.  I asked her about where they were located, and then she asked me a few questions.  Then she said she wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to look at them from another angle.  When the images started coming up on the screen, she said, "Oh!  There is one right there in the middle of your uterus that I couldn't even see from the outside!"  She did all her measuring, and then she started counting.  1, 2, 3...8.  I am counting 8."  

I didn't ask how big any of them were.  I didn't need to.

I knew again what it was I needed to do and this time it really sunk in.  Maybe it took seeing it in those grainy black and white photos to really understand.    

And I made it almost all the way home before I broke out in sobs.  My moment of clarity didn't come without a huge wave of utter and overwhelming sadness.  I began mourning the loss of my fertility a long time ago, and had accepted that I would "probably" never give birth to a child.  But in that instant, I knew that I would never look at the screen of an ultrasound machine and see a heartbeat or a little hand or foot.  I knew that the small hope I had been harboring that someday I might conceive, was a dream that would never come true.  I also knew that even though this is such a final and irreversible decision, that it is the right decision for me.  I knew that my body was simply not going to do what it was made to do, and I need to quit fighting it and quit suffering. 

I will hear from my doctor on Tuesday about the results of the ultrasound.  I am pretty certain I already know what he will say.  I have already talked to his nurse about possible surgery dates, and I am going to try and have it scheduled for the beginning of November.  The decision has been made - no need to keep waiting.  Plus, then hopefully I will feel better by the holidays.

And boy, I am ready to feel better.  I am ready to not be in so much pain.  I am ready to rid my body of the thing that has been fighting against me for these past 20+ years.  I am ready to be a better wife and mother because I can focus on them instead of these constant, terrible issues.  I am ready to completely forget the "what if I get pregnant on my own" question that lingers in the back of my mind every month.  I continually embrace the miraculous way in which I became a mother, and I look forward to adding more miraculous tales to my story.  I am ready to move forward into a better, more pain free future.

Big "H" here I come - Wish me luck!!