Flashback Friday: What Now?

I haven't written a Flashback Friday post in quite a while, so I figured it was about time.

Flashback Friday's ~ This idea began one day while I was perusing through some of my old posts on a private blog we had set up for friends and family while our son was in foster care.

A lot of really wonderful things happened to our little family while we had our private blog set up, so every now and then, I am going to re-post some of those wonderful memories. I hope you will enjoy looking back at them as much as I do!

This post was written two years ago, at a time of great sadness and uncertainty for our little family. We had no idea of the miracles and wonders that were waiting for us just around the corner, and we were struggling a bit.

"What Now?" - originally posted

December 8, 2008

I have really been missing my baby "H" these past couple of days.  Several events in my life have led my thoughts to him, and I miss him.  I know that over the years, this will probably occur pretty often, but today I wish I could hold him and kiss those little cheeks.  I wonder what he is doing and pray that he is happy and healthy.

As most of you know, I quit my job back in October to devote 100% of my time to Hayden and being a good Mom for him.  And now that he is gone, and we still haven't committed totally to taking in another child, I have been faced with long, lonely days and thoughts of what my life means right now.  What am I supposed to be doing?  Do I go back to work?  To school?  Do I open up my heart again knowing that I will be hurt?  What is my purpose?

Then I got an email from my sweet foster Mom friend.  I don't know how she does it, because really, she hardly knows me, but she always knows what I need to hear at the right time.  She is much more religious than I am, so I wouldn't have found this article on my own, but she must have known I needed to hear it.

"More than any other enterprise we engage in during our mortal life, we are measured by how we care for His little ones.  Even if it's only for a little time, the love these foster parents gave stays given." (article written by Orson Scott Card)

How can that be any more clear, right?  I am worrying about what career path I should be exploring when all I really want to do is be a Mom. I keep forcing those feelings aside, however, because I feel like I can't be a Mom and I should just accept that and figure out something else to do with my life. But I am coming up blank. Maybe that is my answer.  Maybe I just needed someone to smack me in the face with it, because I couldn't accept it otherwise.  My wise friend also gave me this piece of personal advice.  " Let your heart heal, then follow it. It will likely lead you down avenues you never dreamed of. I NEVER dreamed mine would lead me here."

I never could have dreamed that one day I would be a foster parent, but it has changed me in so many ways and I am so glad that we chose to do this.  I think if I had been able to have children of my own, I would never have let my heart lead me in this direction and therefore, I never would have met Hayden.  With that in mind, I am excited to know who else might be out there waiting for us.

I am grateful to have my friend and her experiences to show me that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I am grateful that I was strong enough to take this path, and hope that I am strong enough to do it again.  I guess I am still trying to heal, but hopefully soon I will get to see where, and to who, my heart will lead me next.

Recovery Update

Since I have nothing to do these days but lie around in bed watching TV, reading, or playing on the computer, I thought I would take a few of my "computer browsing minutes" to fill you in on how my recovery is going.

First up,  the blood clot.  There really isn't too much to say in this department.  I go in for my ultrasound tomorrow to make sure it isn't growing or shifting, but in the meantime, it really hasn't been bothering me too much.  I still have it wrapped, because I was told to but also because it really does seem to help with the pain.  It is still a bit sore, but really not too bad.  Hopefully, they are going to tell me tomorrow that is is shrinking and that I don't have a thing to worry about!  We're all keeping our fingers crossed for that one!

As far as my incision goes, it is still really sore and swollen.  My whole stomach is pretty swollen actually, and I am  NOT too thrilled to hear that this wonderful little side effect can last for months sometimes!!  Oh well.  It is winter and I can hide it under baggy sweatshirts=)  The incision itself looks pretty great, I must say.  Even at this point, not even two weeks post surgery, it is healing so quickly and looks SO much better already.  I think that once it is done healing, it will hardly even be noticeable!  Not that anyone is going to be looking down there anyway, but I'm just saying...=)

I am starting to feel a lot of sharp tugs and pains inside my belly.  I am sure this is just tissues reattaching and healing, but that kind of hurts.  My doctor told us there are hundreds of stitches in there and that they don't dissolve for 2-3 weeks, so I imagine this is a feeling I will be having quite often over the next week or so.   I think the combination of things healing and me moving around a lot more is a big reason why I have started experiencing these pains.  Plus, I have developed a small, annoying cough that really hurts too.  Hopefully that will be gone soon!  However, I understand that these pains are all part of the healing process, and I am quite happy to have this hurdle, knowing that I will never have a uterine cramp ever again!!!!!!!!!!

Now here is where I am going to enter the gross, T.M.I. part of my recovery update.  If you want to tune out now, I don't blame you.  However, if you are brave and if you have strong stomach's and want to keep going, don't say I didn't warn you!!

There has been one part of my recovery that has definitely been the worst pain that I have ever endured in my life.  It was a moment when I was sure I would pass out and my husband would have to call an ambulance, and it is something I REALLY wish someone could have warned me about.  

It was the dreaded first bowel movement.  

Now, I know that some of you ladies who have had babies have experienced pain with your first post-baby b.m. Yeah, this was NOTHING like that!!!  (At least from what I have been told).  I had read a lot of women's advice and experiences prior to my own surgery and when they mentioned, in passing, that it might hurt the first time, I just assumed they meant the incision would hurt.  Boy, was I wrong!!!!

The night before Thanksgiving, which was day 7 of my post-op recovery, I had still not gone to the bathroom.  I started getting severe gas pains and spasms in my stomach like I had never experienced, and that night quickly turned into the worst night of my whole life!!  

Now, even with the warning, I am not going to go into too much detail here, for my own sake and embarrassment, but I will say that by the end of it, I was drenched in sweat, I had thrown up, I was shaking uncontrollably, and was relieved beyond measure that it was all over with!!!  Apparently, my colon was severely impacted from a combination of being shoved up into my ribcage during surgery and packed with sponges to hold it in place, lack and/or decrease of movement, and constipation caused from taking narcotics.  Let's just say that it was like passing a brick and I am being VERY careful right now to ensure that nothing like this EVER happens again!!!

But that isn't quite the end.  I don't know if I contracted a stomach bug, or if it was just a reaction from the whole "cleansing" experiment, but a few short hours after I went to the bathroom, I woke up feeling like I had the flu.  I was so sick, and it was Thanksgiving morning.   

I was so sad.  

It was the first Thanksgiving that Ian would experience as an official member of our family and because of me, he wasn't going to be able to go.  And what's more, Mike had to miss out on a 5k that he was signed up to run that morning with his pal Sheldon, because he had to stay home and take care of me.  

What a yucky morning!!!  

But luckily, things turned around and after a nap that afternoon, I found that I felt well enough to make the trek 

"over the river and through the woods".

We had Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house, and it was the most delicious meal I had had in weeks, maybe even months!  I am sure it was partly due to the fact that all I had eaten in almost 24 hours was crackers and toast, but it really tasted SO good!!!  I was so grateful that my family worked so hard to prepare it, and they were all very relieved and excited that we were able to make it and enjoy it with them after all.  AND certainly not to be left out, I must mention that my fabulous husband made two pies, from scratch, all on his own!!  Pumpkin and Pecan, and they were not only beautiful, but delicious!!!!  I was so proud!!=)

Each day is getting better and better, and I am starting to feel a little more human all the time.  Today I even braved the stairs and Mike and I spent the afternoon sleeping through a movie downstairs together=)  

Ian has had to adjust to life with his Mom out of commission, and although he is struggling a bit, he is a little trooper!  We had a rough week in the beginning, but now that I can move around a bit more and I am not just lying in bed all day, things have definitely improved.  I think he was a little afraid of me at first, and was REALLY attached to Mike when I first got home.  Plus, it has turned into winter here, almost overnight, so he can't go outside to play like he loves, so he is struggling with that too.  But now we have developed a pretty smooth rhythm and I think his world is coming slightly back into alignment.  We have a small step ladder that we have placed next to his crib so that I can slide it over and help him climb in and out, and he thinks that is pretty cool.  He has also started to say, "Mommy, hold you" a lot.  It is so cute, but it makes me feel bad that I can't pick him up.  I miss just grabbing him and scooping him up in my arms, but those days will be back before we know it.  For now, we both settle for the side by side snuggles on the bed and couch.  

I also don't know what either of us would do without Mike.  To be perfectly honest, I am kind of afraid of what I will do when he has to go back to work.  We still have another full week with him, and at the rate I am healing, I think that I will be okay physically.  But Ian and I both love having Daddy around and  we are both going to be sad to see him go back!! There will probably be a lot of tears, and an obscene amount of cookies and chocolate consumed that day, but in the end, I am sure we will survive that too!

And I have one more little thing to share about my week, even though it has nothing to do with my recovery.  A couple of nights ago, we were all watching the movie "Happy Feet".  Our little man was dancing all around the room, because I am quite sure he was born with "happy feet" too.  But just then, I remembered something that I had bought for him and told him that there was a present under the tree for him to open early.  I don't know how he knew which one it was, but he ran over and grabbed the right one.  Mike helped him open it and together they discovered their Fisher Price nativity scene.  Ian loved it!!!  Mike helped him open all the pieces as I described who they were and told him the nativity story for the first time.  After a few minutes of playing with all the animals, he came running over to me saying, "Mommy, baby!"  I told him that was baby Jesus.  He looked at it, thought about it for a minute, and then went over to his blanket and wrapped him up.  He gave it a soft pat and said, "Night night baby!"  Isn't he precious?!?!?

R House Book Giveaway

If you didn't win my last children's book giveaway, not to fear.  Here is your chance to enter another great giveaway over at
the r house. 

Click here for your chance to enter to win this wonderful book. 
Good luck!!!

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving is such a special time of year for me.  

 Since I was a kid, it has always been a wonderful time full of fun, family and food.  But the events that have taken place in my life over the past couple of November's have renewed, reinforced, and intensified the meaning of Thanksgiving for me.

Two years ago, I was a foster Mom and I was experiencing parenthood for the very first time in my life.  We had two and a half wonderful months with baby "H" before he went back to his Mom - the day before Thanksgiving.

There were many, many tears, and so much sadness and grief that came after his departure.  I feared that Thanksgiving would be a day that would forever remind me of the pain of his leaving us.

The next year, two days before Thanksgiving, we were scheduled to go to court and adopt our son Ian, making him ours forever.  I thought that this was our chance to make Thanksgiving a happy time for us - a time to erase all of those feelings of grief and sadness from the year before. Unfortunately, that was not to be.  A few days before that could happen, we were notified of the appeal.  Again, I thought Thanksgiving would forever equal pain in our family.

But thankfully, it didn't turn out that way at all.  When I look back now to that Thanksgiving two years ago, I remember feeling such peace, love and happiness the day after "H" left our family.  Miraculously, it was such a happy day - a day when we were able to put aside our grief and just soak up the warm feelings of love from our family.

 Then came last year - last year, I was totally consumed with fear on Thanksgiving, and I honestly don't remember feeling much else.  All I could do was take deep breaths and pray that this wouldn't be the first and last Thanksgiving I would spend with my baby.

Thankfully,  through the grace of God, I can look back at it now and realize that everything turned out exactly the way it was always meant to.  We weren't meant to become a family for six more months, and I can see now why things happened the way they did.  For that, I am truly thankful!

These past two years have taught me so much.  One very important lesson being that no matter what life throws at me, I always have SO much to be grateful for.  So since then, I have made it a point to make Thanksgiving a time to take note of all of those things, and to really give thanks for all the miracles and blessings that fill my life.

So here are a few of the things I am most thankful for this year.
(Other than the first few, these are in no particular order)

1 - I can't start this list any other way than with my amazing hubby Mike.

I am so blessed to be his wife, and cannot imagine what my life would be like without him.  We have been through so much together, and through it all, we have just become stronger, better, and more in love.  He was made just for me, and I am so grateful that we found each other.  I am also grateful for the amazing father that he is and for the way he truly cherishes being Ian's Dad.

I am so proud of him for what he has accomplished this year, and he is definitely one of my biggest heroes!!

  

I love you Babe! 

2 - Next, my baby Ian.  Where do I even start?  I met this amazing little miracle last year, and meeting him changed me more than I ever could have imagined.  He claimed my heart as his own from that very first glance, and I have been hopelessly and utterly under his spell ever since!

But this is the year that I "officially" became his Mommy, and that will forever be one of my greatest and most cherished blessings.  

Words will always be insufficient to describe the feelings I have for my son.  Just as I know that Mike and I were meant to be together, I know that Ian was always meant to be my son.  He is the reason I was born.  I get tears in my eyes every time I recall how many miracles took place in order to make us a family.  He makes me laugh, cry, and swell with pride every single day.

I never take for granted what a blessing it is to have him in my life, and I am so extremely thankful to be this miraculous little one's Mommy.   

I love you my sweet baby!!!

3 - My Mom and Dad.

This year was a tough one for my Mom and Dad, and for our entire family as a whole.  My Mom told us she had breast cancer in February.  Then over the next eight months she endured two surgeries, six rounds of chemo and 60 radiation treatments.  My Dad took care of her and suffered right along side her.  Today, my Mama is cancer free and doing very well - I am SO thankful!!!

  My parents play such a big role in my life and I love them so much.  I am thankful that my Mom has made it past this trying and painful battle and come out on top.

I am so thankful that Ian will still have his Grandma and Grandpa around for a REALLY long, long time!!

4 - Being a stay at home Mom and having a husband who works really, really hard to help make that happen.  We both knew that when we finally did have children, that I wanted to be able to stay home to take care of them. So we both worked really hard to get things paid off and to be able to live on one income, and now that dream is coming true.  I have never loved a job more, and I am grateful every single day that I get to wake up to Ian instead of my alarm clock!!!

This is the job I was meant for!

 

5 - My beautiful home.

We have lived in a lot of places in the 10 years we have been married, and this home is by far the best place we have ever lived.  It is definitely a sanctuary for me. It is a warm, safe place where I always feel welcome and loved.  It is a place where I love to be, and I hate being away from for too long.   I am grateful for "the cloud bed" and for the comfortable haven it offered me during my recent recovery.

I am grateful that we were able to finish our basement at the end of last year, just in time to put up our Christmas tree and to have Ian's first Christmas down there.  I love our house!   I haven't always loved where I lived, so I am very grateful to have that now!!

6 - Good friends and neighbors.

Our neighbors are an extension of why I love living where I do.  We have the best neighbors, and I am so grateful for them and for the friendships we have built together.  These are some of the best friendships I have ever known, and I am so extremely thankful for this blessing in my life!

I am also grateful to have some wonderful friends, who don't live by me but are always there when I need them.  Some have known me since I was just a kid, others I have met along the way, and some I have only met through the blogging world - I hope you all know how much you mean to me!!

7 - Insurance.  Even though we definitely do not have the best insurance, and we have a pretty stinking high deductible, I cannot imagine going through what we have gone through this year without it!

8 - Good foster parents.

Since becoming one myself, I have truly come to appreciate what these amazingly selfless people are doing for some very sweet and wonderfully deserving kids.  I am humbled to walk among them, and I hope that when I am done with this cherished calling, that I too will have made a difference in the lives of some very special people.

9 - Siblings.  Mike and I are starting to have the discussion of if and when to add more kids to our little family, and it makes me think of my own siblings and how important they are to me.

Even though I definitely didn't think this was cool as a teenager, I was lucky enough to be born right in the middle of my family, so I got to grow up with an older and younger sister and an older and younger brother.  They have each played a big part in shaping me into the person I am now, and I am thankful that God chose us to be a family.  I love you Jenny, Kelly, Jamie and David!
(And btw, I think it is time for a new picture!!!=)

10 - Ian's birth mother "E".  For her privacy, I won't post a picture of her here, but of course my list of the things I am most thankful for would not be complete without her.  I wouldn't be a mother without this sweet girl, and I will be indebted to her for the rest of my life.  I am grateful that she is turning her own life around and that we are able to enjoy having her in our lives.
We love you "E"!

11 - A stocked pantry and food storage.  A couple of weeks ago, we were driving home from a Sunday dinner at my parents house.  Ian had been too busy playing with his cousins to eat much, so on the way home, he finally realized that he was hungry.  For the last 15 minutes of the drive, Ian cried over and over, "Hot dog! Hot dog! Hot dog!"  Of course our reassuring him that he could have one as soon as we got home didn't help the situation right then!  I looked over at Mike and asked, "Could you imagine if your child were hungry and crying to you for food and you had none to give them?"  Right then and there I said a silent prayer of thanks that there was a hot dog waiting for us at home.  I am SO very grateful that I have enough food to feed my family, when I know there are many who do not have that luxury!!

12 - The little things.  I try so hard to appreciate the little blessings in my life, and believe me, there are many!  So here are a few remaining "little things" that I am thankful for every single day!


~I am so thankful for hugs and kisses and the two cute boys who give them to me every day.
~I am so grateful to finally hear someone call me "Mommy".
~I am so grateful for our soldiers and for the freedoms they fight every day to protect.
~I am so grateful to have enough money to go to lunch or a playdate with Ian once in awhile.
~I am grateful for naptime.
~I am grateful for babysitters.
~I am grateful for date nights.
~I am grateful for satellite TV.
~I am grateful for heating and air conditioning.
~I am grateful for two cars that work well and are still in great shape.
~I am grateful that we can afford gas to put in those cars.
~I am grateful for my health and that it is on an uphill swing right now.
~I am SO grateful for my doctor and for the kind, amazing, thoughtful and skilled surgeon that he is.

But most of all, I am grateful for love and family, and that I have been blessed enough to have found both!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I Forgot To Tell You

I can't believe that I forgot to tell you the BEST part of my surgery story!

 And tell you, I will!
But first, a little history...

You see, my stomach is pretty swollen and puffy right now.  Even the "granny panties" that I bought too big and baggy on purpose, so that I would have something comfortable to wear during this recovery time, are fitting a bit snug. 

PUFFY and SWOLLEN - two words that a girl does not want used to described herself!!!
So, as you can probably imagine, I am NOT feeling my sexiest at the moment!!

This leads us to reason #428 why I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that doctor of mine!!!! 

As he was telling me about my surgery and describing to me what was done, he just so happened to mention that I have "really tight ab muscles".  I chuckled at this because I certainly wasn't feeling tight and fit at the moment, but he said, "No really.  You do.  It was difficult to spread them apart to get beneath them, they were so tight".

Yeah me!!!!!

I think I have a new crush=)

Surgery

**Small disclaimer - I tend to go into a lot of detail, so I apologize in advance if this post is T.M.I.**
(However, you must know that I really care because I have included some pretty beautiful pictures of myself!  Either that, or it is the drugs taking over=)

 Here I am, six days post-surgery, full of hundreds of stitches and pain like I have never experienced before, yet marveling at what an experience this has been! 

It all started last Wednesday when we had to check into the hospital at 11 a.m.  We took Ian to my sister's and got to the hospital without a minute to spare.  We checked in and waited about 20 minutes before they took me back to get prepped.  I peed in a cup and then donned the lovely blue hospital gown and compression stockings.  Mike thought they were some pretty sexy thigh-high's but for some reason when I asked him if he wanted me to bring them home with us, he said no=).  

Next came the i.v.  I must admit that I wasn't very excited about this part.  First of all, who likes needles?  Also, whenever I have had to have an i.v. in the past, they have ached the whole time, and seeing as I was going to have this one in for awhile, I wasn't excited.  The first try hit a valve of some sort, and hurt a lot! After poking around and agonizingly trying to move it into position, with no luck, another nurse came in and decided to try my other arm.  I am so glad she came in because I barely felt it going in and it didn't bother me at all throughout my entire stay.  I now have a tiny red dot where the i.v. was while my other arm has a nasty looking bruise!

Next they wheeled me upstairs where we met with my doctor and went over all the last minute details.  I teared up a little as I kissed my sweet hubs goodbye and then I was wheeled toward the O.R.  Just before I went in, I met my anesthesiologist and we talked for a few minutes.  That's the last thing I remember. I don't even remember being wheeled into the O.R.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery with my doctor squeezing my arm and asking me how I was feeling.  I cried as I said, "it hurts!"  He said something to the nurse and I went out again.  Apparently I was in recovery for awhile, trying to regulate my pain and get me to wake up enough to move me to my room.  

I do remember that ride, and every single bump along the way!!! 

Mike joined me as I was wheeled into my room, and although I know this is cheesy, I immediately felt better just from seeing his face!!  

It took several hours to get my pain to a reasonable level, and I was drifting in and out of sleep the whole time.  My parents were there and stayed with me for awhile.  My Mom held my hand and fed me ice chips as I continuously pushed my pain pump and dozed.  Eventually my parents left, and Mike settled in to spend the night with me.  I slept really well that night, and was fairly comfortable - probably mostly due to the fact that I still had anesthesia in me.  

Thursday went pretty well, and Mike and I just relaxed and watched movies all day.  I was on a clear liquid diet, and wasn't moving around too much.  I switched from the i.v. meds to pills and they took out my catheter that morning.  The first time I stood up to use the bathroom was very painful!  I was SO glad that Mike was there to help me because I soon found out that nurses were hard to find when you really needed them!  It hurt to stand up straight and my incision felt like it was going to split wide open!  But even as I am writing this now, it is amazing how much better everything has gotten!  It is a good thing that I started with the worst pain and just went up from there because each day has made me grateful that I don't still feel like the day before it!

Mike went home Thursday night to spend time with Ian and to let him sleep at home in his own bed, and looking back, I think it is probably a good thing that he wasn't there Friday morning!  I didn't sleep as well Thursday night, but still did okay.  However, Friday morning was a whole different story!!!  My new nurse came in at around 8:50 a.m. I told her that I was due for my next dose of medication in ten minutes, and she said she would be right back in with it.  At 9:15 another nurse came by and I asked her to please track down my nurse because the pain was starting to get bad.  When she still wasn't there at 9:25, I pushed the nurse call button and begged them to bring me my pills.  When she finally came in at 9:40, I was sobbing!  It hurt SO bad and crying hurt it even more.  She saw me and said, "Oh, sorry it took me so long."  I would've punched her in the face if I could have reached her, and I know Mike would have done worse!  Jamie later told me that he was really pissed when he called around 10:30 and could hear the pain in my voice.  He didn't even know what had happened yet, but said, "she was fine when I left her last night, so I don't know what has changed." He was none too happy when he found out.

It took me ALL DAY to get my pain back under control.  From then on out, I informed each new nurse that they absolutely could NOT go one minute later than the four hours between meds or they would have he*% to pay!!!

I also learned that day that even though I wasn't hungry, I still needed to eat.  I think that is part of the reason why it took so long for me to feel well again.  So in addition to getting my pills on time, I made sure to eat every chance I could.

I was feeling pretty good by late Friday afternoon, and had I not still had the aforementioned "wonderful" nurse, I am pretty sure I could've gone home that night. However, she "forgot" to call my doctor to sign my discharge papers until after the clinic was already closed for the day, so I had to wait until Saturday for the on-call doctor to discharge me. 

Saturday afternoon, the on-call doctor came in, signed the papers, and I was cleared to go home.  My nurse removed the staples (which really didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would) and we went home.  That drive was not fun!  

I forgot to mention earlier, that I had been battling nausea all week.  Every time I stood, and sometimes just taking the meds would make me very nauseous.  Well, the drive home was no exception.  I had to put my sleep mask on to block out all light, and just take deep breaths the whole way.  But eventually we made it, and can I just say, what a huge difference being in your own home, in your own bed can make?!?!?!

I immediately felt better knowing that I was now in Mike's hands - that I would get my medicine precisely when I needed it and my meals would be served whenever I needed them too.  Ahhhh...home sweet home!

Ian was still at my Mom and Dad's, so they headed out to bring him (and dinner) to us that night.  Meanwhile, I wanted to take a shower to get the nasty "hospital" smell off of me.  I told Mike to listen for the water to shut off as his cue to come help me, and I stepped in.  It was hard, but it felt really, really good too!  I couldn't move around much, but I still managed to wash, at least the most vital areas, and my hair.  And then...the nausea was back!!  I absolutely DID NOT want to throw up!  With a huge incision, right on my stomach, throwing up was the last thing I wanted to do right then!  So as soon as Mike walked into the bathroom, I breathed, "I'm going to throw up!  I need to lie down!!"  So as fast as my old lady shuffle could get me there, I laid down on the cloud bed, soaking wet and shivering uncontrollably.  Mike covered me up and after about 10 minutes, and thankfully no puke, I got up and finished dressing.

Sunday brought us a new adventure.  When I got up to use the bathroom, I noticed a pain in my right calf that felt like a charlie horse.  I tried to pretend it wasn't there, but when several hours went by and the pain was still there, I called the doctor.  Back to the E.R. for us to rule out a blood clot.  No such luck!  That is exactly what it was.  Hooray!!  Just what I wanted - one more thing to worry about!  There isn't too much they can do for it, so they told me to take aspirin, elevate it and wrap it with an ace bandage, and come back in a week for another ultrasound to make sure it isn't growing or moving.

Other than that, I am happy to report that my recovery is moving along swimmingly!=)

Mike has been an absolute God send!  I can tell he is a little stressed out, but the relief I have knowing that he has everything under control, is immeasurable.  I can concentrate on healing and getting better and I know he has everything else under control!  He is most definitely better than all of the nurses I had at the hospital combined!  And even though Ian doesn't like his Mommy being out of commission, he has been really sweet too!

Each day has me moving around a little more, doing more things by myself, and feeling a little better.  It really is astonishing how fast the human body can repair itself!!  My incision is numb, and still quite painful.  I can't walk faster than a snail's pace, and it is still hard to stand up straight.  I struggle to get out of bed myself, and still need help doing almost everything.  However, I can now shower AND get dressed myself without feeling nauseous!  Plus, I have gone from needing two percocet's every four hours to just one every 4-6 hours, so I would say that is progress=)

This has definitely been an interesting experience for me.  I worried so much over the decision to do it or not, for many reasons.  Then once I had made my decision, I still had doubts.  And then there was the waiting...the waiting was the worst part!

So what would I say if you were to ask me, "was it worth it"?

As far as the surgery and recovery goes, I would say that it really hasn't been as bad as I was expecting.  Yes, it is bad and I definitely wouldn't ever want to go through something like this again, but I had prepared myself for much worse, so that part, I can handle.

But the far bigger worry for me was the emotional strain that this surgery would have on my heart and on my soul.  Was it worth it in that regard?

Let me answer that by telling you a little story.

Thursday morning, my doctor came into my room to check on me.  He then told me what he had found once he got inside me.  He told me that 20% of women will experience some form of fibroid cysts.  And out of that 20%, most of those women have a large amount of uterine tissue and a smaller percentage of fibroid tissue.  However, with me, it was almost the exact opposite.  I had extremely large amounts of fibroid tissue, and hardly any healthy uterine tissue left.  He said when holding my uterus in his hands, it felt like a bag of marbles.

Plus, one of my tubes (which were both open in 2004) was completely closed off and attached with endometriosis to the side of my colon.  My left ovary was covered in endometrial scar tissue.  He was able to remove my tube from my colon, and laser off most of the scar tissue from the ovary, leaving both ovaries intact.  But then he said the words I really needed to hear.  The words that erased all doubt over whether I was making the right decision or if I had rushed into this too soon.  

He looked me in the eye and said that after getting in there and really taking a look, he can say with almost absolute certainty that I would never have been able to sustain a pregnancy.  In vitro would not have worked, and us trying on our own for another 2, 5 or 10 years more would not have worked.  There was simply no healthy uterine tissue left for an egg to attach to.

I started crying as soon as he walked out the door.  

 I made a very difficult choice to improve my own health and for the benefit of those I love and now I will always know that I made the right choice.  Thank heaven for small miracles!!!

Today my doctor called to give me the pathology results.  Everything came back benign, and there was also the presence of another disease we didn't previously know about - adenomyosis.   Adenomyosis is uterine thickening that occurs when endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, moves into the outer muscular walls of the uterus.  Basically, this is like endometriosis, but inside the muscle of the uterus causing it to become enlarged and thickened, and causes a lot more painful cramping.  Another confirmation that I did the right thing!

After all the intense worry and stress that I had over whether or not to do this surgery, having this knowledge now is such a HUGE blessing for me.

I am at peace, and I am grateful!!!

And I couldn't end this post without, once again, saying a very sincere "Thank You" to everyone who has called, sent flowers and gifts, or brought in food for us during my recovery.  It means so much to me to know how much I am loved and missed when I am out of commission.

Thankfully this is something that can now just be a memory and I can move forward, without any regrets or doubts, into a healthier and more pain free future.

Hallelujah!!!!

I Made It!

Surgery was a success, and is thankfully now just a memory!  

I will write about it in more detail later, when my mind isn't such a fuzzy, percocet covered cotton ball, but I wanted to let you all know that I am doing well and to thank you for all of the love and prayers that you have sent my way!!!  I have definitely felt it and it has made such a HUGE difference for me.

Thank you again!!  Love you all!