My Infertile Mind Is Spinning

A couple of day ago, I was reading one of my favorite blogs, the r house, and one of her most recent posts really got my mind spinning.  The content of that post has been on my mind ever since.  But it wasn't just the content of the post alone that had me all wound up, but the responses to the post as well.  It all started a chain reaction in my mind, which brought about a whole lot of questions, but not a lot of answers. I can't seem to stop thinking about it, so I am turning to one of my favorite outlets for help - writing .  Maybe if I write about it here, some of you can help me work it out.

Here is the situation. 

I am a loyal follower of the r house blog.  I love Mrs. R and her blog has helped me through a lot of tough times.  She writes candidly, openly, and passionately about infertility and adoption - two things that I am very well aware of .

I have had the opportunity to meet Mrs. R a couple of times, and she is just as great in person.  We have a lot of things in common and the way she writes about her life is both entertaining and inspiring.

I normally agree with what she writes about and I think we share a lot of the same beliefs.  However, the particular post that started my whirlwind of thoughts was entitled teaching a lesson on "The Importance of Life".  Mrs. R had to teach a lesson in her church that was basically about the worth of women and the importance of bringing children into this world.  It got her quite upset and she was seemingly very worried about how she, an infertile woman, was going to teach a lesson on this particular subject without breaking into tears over her own inadequacies.  

(I hope I am accurately paraphrasing here=)

I guess I can understand how she might feel inadequate to be able to teach such a lesson, but my impressions upon reading her post were that she was more upset over her own inability to bear a child than her inability to teach these young women about its importance.  Maybe that was an inaccurate assumption, but that was my impression.

That is where she lost me.  

First of all, I believe very strongly that a woman's worth is based far more on how she raises her children, than simply by the fact that she gave birth to them and brought them physically into this world.  I began to think about my own issues with infertility, and how I used to ask, "why can she have a child and I can't?  What did she do to deserve it that I didn't do?"  Looking back now, I believe that God knew that with His help, anyone could bear a child, but not everyone could be a good and loving Mother.  I choose to believe that I was lumped into the second category, and was given this life so that I could have the opportunity to be just that - and I could not be more grateful for my infertility because it has led me here.

So, I simply could not understand how, as an adoptive Mother to two beautiful boys, Mrs. R could not feel that her worth was great.   I read her words, and I felt her pain, but I didn't understand why she was feeling this way.  It didn't make sense to me.

She said that her sense of worth as a Mother is great, but she lacks that same sense of worth as a woman.  That doesn't make sense to me either.  My sense of worth as a woman is very much defined to me by my sense of worth as a Mother.  I am a better woman, because I am a Mother and vice versa. 

Then I read about many, many women who responded to her post saying that they too struggle with this issue, and I was simply dumbfounded.  I could see that there are a lot of mothers out there who feel inadequate in some way because they could not bring their children into this world, and I started wondering what it is about me that makes me different from all of these infertile, adoptive mom's.  Why are they feeling this way, and I am not?  

As I mentioned before, I had a lot of questions, and not a lot of answers.  I talked for a long time with my husband tonight about it, hoping he could offer me the insight that I was missing.  However, as we do see eye to eye on this issue, he was struggling to understand it just as much as I was.  We had a great conversation, but I was still lacking the answers I was seeking.

I posted a comment on Mrs. R's blog stating some of my questions, and hoping for some answers, I wrote that 

"as an infertile woman myself who has cried and prayed and sobbed my heart out over the fact that I cannot "bear" a child, I have never felt more worth or purpose than I do as an adoptive mother. I have finally discovered the answer to my "why me"'s? His name is Ian. HE is the reason I was chosen for infertility, and I could not be more grateful for it. I was made to be his mother, and the fact that I didn't give birth to him does not lessen my worth as his mother one single ounce."  

I went on to say that "I do think it was a blessing to those girls to be getting a lesson like this from someone who suffers from infertility, because it will offer them a viewpoint that they most likely have never considered before. I never thought that I wouldn't bear a child of my own - that is until I couldn't. But I thank God every day for leading me where I needed to be to meet the son who was always meant to be mine."

I truly believe that.  I know that I was chosen for this task, and it is one I cherish more than life itself.  I feel honored to have been chosen to be Ian's Mom, and that role gives me more a sense of worth than I have ever felt before in my life.

Mrs. R responded to me by saying that "these feelings had nothing to do with my children or my role as a mom. I too feel incredible worth as a mom.
For me, these feelings are about feeling inadequate as a woman who does not bear children.

For me, infertility and adoption are both related and not related. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. Just because I have those precious littles in my home, it doesn't mean that my infertility has gone away. I do believe that adoption is a "cure" for childlessness and within my role as a mother I have found out more about myself and found more joy ...but that doesn't mean those pangs of infertility have left or are cured."

This response just left me with even more questions.  How can adoption be a cure for childlessness, but not be a cure for infertility? To me, childlessness and infertility are one in the same.  

I understand that just because a person adopts a child, it does not mean that they are no longer infertile.  I get that - I do.  However, my struggles through the pain of infertility were because it meant one thing - that I could not have a child.  I wanted to be a Mother more than anything, and knowing that I couldn't do that was what brought me the most pain.

But now I have that which I wanted more than anything in this world. I am a Mother.  The way in which he got here isn't as important to me as the simple truth that he got here and is my son, now and forever.  I have a son who is more beautiful than I ever could have imagined, and just as much mine as any biological child I might have born.  

So, ultimately, I suppose that I don't understand the feelings of inadequacy that come with not being able to bring a child into this world, because I believe that my child was brought here the way God intended for him to get here, and with His help, I was ready and waiting to be the Mother my son needed me to be.  I also believe I needed to feel the pain of infertility to be able to appreciate the joys of motherhood.  

For me, infertility was life-altering and definitely one of the most painful things I have ever endured.  It is not a pain that I would wish on anyone.  It was a pain so intense that it threatened to take over my entire soul.  But, thankfully, now there is far too much joy, happiness and peace in my soul to leave any room for that old pain I once knew so well.

I don't mean to make light of infertility or judge anyone who is currently struggling with this issue.  I am simply trying to understand, so thank you for letting me work through my questions here, and if you have any insight, please fill me in.

I know that adoption is not a cure for infertility.  But for me, adoption was the means of curing the pain of infertility and my feelings of failure or inadequacy as a woman that came along with that.

I am still infertile, and probably always will be.  But the pain from that has dulled so much, because I am now a Mother.  Life is good, and my worth is great.

Am I missing something here?