Random Thoughts

I have been having a lot of random thoughts lately. Thoughts that just roll around and around and around...not really going anywhere, but occupying space in my mind. 

As each day goes by, and my son gets a little bit older, I start thinking about things that either -

 a) I have never thought about before, or 

b) weren't pertinent before now so I didn't give them much thought.

I don't know if any of you care about these random thoughts floating around in my mind, but I thought I would share a few of them with you anyway.  Here goes...

1) How old will my son be when he notices that he is a little bit darker than Mommy and Daddy?  
And will he view that as a good thing or a bad thing? 

This thought has actually been taking up a lot of my thoughts lately.  I was talking with my sister about this just the other day, and she told me a story of her neighbor who had gone through something similar.  She and her husband, who are both Caucasian, adopted a son who is African American. He is 7 years old and she thought it was the time to have the "people are all different" talk with him.  She talked to him about how all people look different and how we are all beautiful and have many wonderful qualities, etc, etc.  Later that evening she overheard him telling his Dad to be "careful" around Mom today because she is "sad that she looks different".  He didn't even realize that the talk was for his own benefit=) 

I love that story because it shows how innocent children are to these issues that we as parents worry about every day.  I don't want this to become an issue because I make it one.  I guess I still have some years to ponder this one, but my main hope is that my son will have a healthy enough self esteem that his ethnicity will just be an added bonus to the wonderful person he already is.  

2) When should we take another foster child into our home?

Mike and I have talked about this and we both feel that we are not done being foster parents.  We still have so much love and support to give, so we know we want to do it again.  The question now is when?  We now have Ian to think about and worry about how having another child in our home will affect him.  Plus, he is SO busy these days, we have to ask ourselves if we can physically survive having two right now!=)

3) What age child do we take?

One of the millions of difficult things about being a foster parent, at least for us, is identifying which qualities, which ages, which gender, or which ethnicity you will accept in the children who are placed in your home.  We feel that you don't get to choose any of these things when you have a child biologically, so who are we to say yes or no to any of these things when we get our children?  It is really hard for us, to put it mildly.  

Things are a little different this time around too, because last time, we were just a couple.  We had no other children to worry about, or take into consideration.  This time, we do.

So, we worry about whether we should follow the "birth order" that has been established in our family now and only take in children who are younger than Ian.  Or will that eliminate someone who really needs us?

Although this question is still lingering around in my mind, and I will probably keep worrying about it until we get the call about a child who is waiting for us, I think Mike and I have come up with a pretty good answer to this one.
There were definite miracles involved with Ian coming to our home and us becoming a family.  After having sat on our paperwork for as long as we possibly could, we just checked Caucasian and sent it in.  We thought that we wanted a child who looked like us so that they could decide who they wanted to tell that they were adopted, instead of people automatically assuming it when they saw us together.
With that said, we should technically never have even been called about Ian.  Thankfully, God was watching over us and helped us to find each other and become the family that we were always meant to be.
So now, we just have to have faith again that the children who are meant to be with us will find their way here.  At least, that is my hope.

4)  Am I providing my son with enough stimulation/ nutrition/ education 
to keep him developing properly?

Maybe some of you parents don't worry about this, but I choose to believe that most of you do. I worry because I can't seem to get Ian to eat vegetables.  I worry if he watches t.v. that it might not be good for him.  I worry that I am not doing enough to fill his days with stimulating and beneficial activities.  

But you know what?

I also think that just because this is something that I am consciously aware of, that just maybe, I am doing okay.  Just maybe, one of these days he will eat his broccoli and actually love it.  And if he doesn't??  Oh well... he is happy, he is healthy, he is so smart and always surpasses his developmental milestones, so maybe these worries are ones that I should learn to squash.  Yeah right, but nice thought, isn't it?=)

5)  Do I give my husband enough quality attention?

If I am totally honest here, the answer is probably no.  As I am sure all parents have experienced, something happens when you have kids that seems to just eat up all the time you once had to be together.  I really do try to give Mike his "wife" time, but honestly, Ian requires so much more of my time and energy, that Mike gets whatever is leftover, if anything at all sometimes.  

We knew this going in though, and I think my hubby knows Ian needs me more now.  I truly think that the many years we had together pre-kids have helped to solidify a union that will survive parenthood beautifully. We are a partnership in everything, not the least of which is the raising of our son.  So I know Mike understands, but I do still feel a little guilty about it.  I just hope he can look through the not-showered-at 5:00 p.m., messy house, mashed-potatoes-in-the-hair, too-tired-to-cook-dinner, falling-exhausted-into-bed,exterior to see his wife.  The one who thinks he is the funniest, sweetest, most loving man she has ever met! 

6)  Am I a good Mom?

As Mothers, is there ever a day that we don't ask ourselves this question?  Probably not.  As for me, I just take it one day at a time and pray that I can say "yes" at the end of each one.  Or at least, "I tried to be".  Then maybe if I have more Yes's than No's, I will have succeeded.  Who knows?

7) Why can't I seem to find the time to exercise regularly? 

I know the answer to this has A LOT to do with a crazy little thing called motivation...you see, I don't have any. While my husband is out running and training for his first marathon, I struggle to get myself to do 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I know I just need to do it, but I haven't found the trick yet...any ideas?

8) What should I make for dinner?

This is the never-ending question in my mind. Every single day, I ponder over what ingredients I have in my pantry and whether or not I can put something edible together with what I have found.  Not to mention whether I have enough energy or will to try it!  I think I would melt with pure pleasure if Mike called me one afternoon to say, "Honey, I will bring home dinner tonight...you just relax." Hint Hint!!

9) At what point did I forget how old I was and actually have to stop and think about it when asked?

When I was a kid, I used to think it was so dumb when adults couldn't remember how old they were.
I mean, who doesn't know their own age, right?
Well, sadly, I am now one of those dumb adults.
My friend Amy and I recently had a discussion on this very topic, and we came to the conclusion that once you hit 30, there are no more age milestones to look forward to, so instead of looking forward to your next birthday, you start looking back and wishing you could stay young.
I couldn't wait to turn 16 so I could drive and date.
18 meant I was an adult and could now vote.
When I turned 21 I could legally drink, gamble, or get into a club - Not that I really did many of those things, but at least I legally could if I wanted to!
At 25, I could rent a car without having to pay an underage driver's fee, etc, etc.
Now I am 32 and I find myself stopping to think about it.
Oh well.
I guess I should be grateful that I still have birthday's to stop and think about, right?

10) Is there anything sweeter than enjoying dinner at your parents house and having your little boy come into the room calling, "Mommy?" just because he hasn't seen you for a minute and wants a quick hug?

I don't think so=)