Labels

Today I am going to rant for a moment about something that irks me.  Yes, I said irk.  It's a real word...I looked it up.

Anyway, I am just trying to give you all a fair warning that today's post isn't going to be sweet or sugar coated. It's going to be opinionated, and it might make some of you mad or just make you think that I am a little nutsy.

And the craziest thing of all is that this isn't even an issue that bothers me all of the time.  Sometimes I don't even notice it.  And because I am a woman, with the ability to change my feelings at the drop of a hat, it probably won't even bother me tomorrow.  But for whatever reason, it is really bothering me today so I want to take a minute and get it off my chest.
(Please enjoy the view of me up on my soap box for the next minute or two=)

So what is it that has me irked today?  Labels.

I hate labels. 
 In fact, it might be fair to say that I loathe labels!

No, not those wonderful, organizational kind of labels that indicate flour vs. sugar - those labels I love! 

But the kind of labels that are placed on people, either justly or unjustly.  

Labels are something that I admittedly didn't give much thought to until one
(a pretty big one) was placed upon my shoulders - INFERTILE.
And the thing is, this description of me is true - it is a fact.  But it is NOT something I am happy about or something that I want to be reminded of in any way!
Does anyone honestly believe that an infertile person needs to be reminded that they suffer from such a thing?  Does anyone honestly think that a single day, hour or minute goes by that they don't wish things could be different?
Can't I just be a woman, and not an "infertile" woman?!?!?

Here are just a few more of the labels that have come into my life that have the ability to make me cringe.

Adoptive parent

White parent

Black child

Now please don't get me wrong here...I am, in absolutely NO way, saying that I am not proud to be an adoptive, Caucasian mother with a bi-racial son who is half Caucasian and half African-American.  That is most certainly NOT the case.  I could not be more proud of this, or the way we came to be a family.  I love adoption and I am grateful, every single day, for the blessings that have come into my life because of it.  And don't even get me started on that deliciously tasty, softer than silk, milk chocolaty skin that I SO wish I could claim any sort of  responsibility for!!!

What I am saying is that sometimes I wish people could look at me and just see a mom.  Not an "adoptive" mom, or a "white" mom, or even a "foster" mom, but just a mom.  I wish they could look at my son and just see my beautiful son - not my "adopted" son or my "biracial" child.  I wish that we could have the choice as to whom we tell our story to, and not have people automatically make their own assumptions.  I wish that they could learn Ian was adopted and not automatically assume that "there must be something wrong with them", even if there is.  I understand that this is normal human behavior, and it isn't always meant to be hurtful, and wishing it away simply is an unrealistic dream.  But I guess it just gets to me some days that some people cannot seem to see us without these labels.

On rare occasions, usually when Mike is not around, I have had strangers assume that Ian is my biological son, and I have to admit that those brief moments felt SO good!!!  Again, it is not that I am ashamed or embarrassed or feel any other negative connotation about our relationship.  It just felt good, for a brief moment, to not have to explain how we came to be a family, or justify how it is that I came to be his mother.  We just were.  Plain and simple.  We were a family because we were meant to be - just like everybody else.

Because that is how it feels to me.  These labels don't even exist in my everyday thoughts.  In fact, sometimes I am genuinely taken aback when someone uses one of these terms in regards to me or my family.  I simply don't think of us as a biracial family, an adoptive family, or anything else - to me, we are just a family.

That doesn't mean that I do not understand the extreme importance of helping to establish and nurture a positive and healthy racial identity in my son.  I know that I have an incredibly important duty to teach and guide my son toward learning as much as he can about his races - all of them.  I want him to be proud of who he is and ALL of the miraculous wonders that make him Ian.

And believe me, I really do understand that sometimes it is important for us to wear our "adoption" hat and promote this beautiful blessing in a positive light, or to share our story in hopes that it might help someone else. I guess I also just wish that sometimes we could take off those hats and just be...

Just be a mom and her son.

The bond that I feel for my son is stronger than anything else I have ever felt or experienced before in my life.  The immensity of it is something that is beyond the limitations of my vocabulary to explain.  And in some small way,  I feel that putting a label on the sweet pureness of a mother's or father's relationship with their child, is like demeaning it or diminishing it in some way. As if to say that if we are not connected through DNA, then our bond must not be as strong or as completely whole as a biological family's connection.

I understand that this probably isn't the intention, but it still feels that way sometimes in my heart.  As much as I love telling our story and as proud as I am of all the accurately descriptive adjectives that can be used to describe us, some days it just gets to me and I wish that we could just strip away the labels and simply be a family.

One of the hardest parts of this issue for me, and the biggest reason why I think this is even bothering me at all, is that we have someone, close to our family, who feels the need to place an immense amount of importance on these labels.  We can never have even a simple conversation without these issues coming into play.  It is very tiring, and it wears on my heart.  But voicing my feelings about it is simply not an option if we hope to keep this person in our life.  I guess sometimes it just feels like too much and out comes a blog post - lucky you!!=)

I do know that this issue doesn't apply only to us.  I know that labeling happens to so many people around us, and it makes me so sad.  And it makes me worry and wonder if I have ever made someone else feel unfairly labeled.  I hope not, but I probably have at some point in my life. I know I will certainly think twice before I do it from now on! 

Has it happened to you?
What are your thoughts?
Does it bother you too or do you think I am overreacting?

I know that labeling is an inevitable part of life.  I do.  I know that some labels are necessary and even helpful or productive.  And like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, sometimes these labels don't bother me at all.  Maybe it can be chalked up to the weather, or hormones, or whatever, but I am glad that whatever the cause,  it gave me pause to stop and think about this subject and how it affects me and how it might affect you too.

I challenge our society (and all 4 of you who might be reading this=) to think hard before assuming anything or unjustly labeling someone else, because even if the description fits, it can still hurt.