S.O.S.

I am going to do something today that has me a little sick to my stomach, to be perfectly honest.  I don't like doing it.  It makes me feel weak.  And it offers up a very private glimpse into me - one that I try very hard to keep private and safely tucked away.  I don't like feeling vulnerable, but today I am and I have to face it.

I need help.

More specifically, I need some advice from some of you, 

my stay at home Mom friends.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a Mom, and I worked very, very hard to make sure that when that day came, I could stay at home and raise my children.  I didn't want to send them off to daycare while I worked at some job that would never mean more to me than they did.  And I sometimes thought that this day would never come, but now that it has, I try to never take it for granted.  

Sometimes, when I am sitting out in the brilliant sun, watching Ian play with the neighborhood kids, or helping him create a Play-Doh masterpiece, or just giving him a bath and tucking him into bed, I think that I am the luckiest woman in the world.  I am truly living the life that I always dreamed of, and I would never want to change it for anything.  Getting the chance to stay at home and spend my days with my son, fills my heart with a peace and contentment that had been missing for most of my life.

I started working when I was 15, and even through school, I always had a job.  I was never without work for long.  I also didn't realize, until I quit working, how much of my stress, headaches, and all around grumpiness came from having to get up to an alarm clock and have a boss telling me what to do.  When I was working, I always felt like I was treading water just to get by, but at any minute, I might just drown.

I felt the physical relief just wash over me the instant I turned in my notice when we got Hayden.  I felt my lungs fill with air and I knew that the "real" me was finally getting a chance to be free.  I realized that it was not only a desire of mine to be a stay at home Mom, but I was made for it.  My sanity needed it and, for the most part, I have been much happier ever since.

So here comes the part where I admit my shortcomings and 

plead for your guidance.

I feel like I am drowning again.

I will admit that being a stay at home parent is definitely NOT all roses and butterflies.  There are days where I cry far more than I laugh, and days where I think it might be nice to have a "real" job to escape to.  A job that I could clock out and leave behind, instead of a job where I am on duty from sun up to sun down, seven days a week, with some overtime in between.  

I still wouldn't ever change it for the world, but it is hard - really, really hard!

I have good days and bad days, just like anyone else, but I am finding this particular rough patch, a little rougher and harder to pass through. 

I find myself doing the things that I usually love, like cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc. and just resenting that this is all I am anymore.  I feel like a slave, obediently doing what is expected of me, but that unless I was late with dinner, or the toilets stopped being cleaned, no one would even notice I was gone.  

Okay... a little overly dramatic?  Yes, but have any of you ever experienced this, and if so, what did you do to "snap" out of it?  I am not talking medications, or herbal anythings, but something more like an emotional and mental "repair" to help me get back to feeling like a contribution and not just a slave.  

I don't think I need a girls night, a massage, or some other temporary fix.  But I guess I don't really know what I need, and that is why I am writing this post in the first place.  

I have some ideas, but I still want to hear yours.  I DO think I need something that is MINE alone that gives me pride and makes me feel good about myself.  I think that would really help me.  I think (and really hope) that exercising will help in this area so I am taking steps to make sure that happens more regularly.  I am also guessing that having a demanding two year old and a workaholic/racing fiend for a husband might have something to do with it too, right?!?! =)

But I guess I just need to know that I am normal and that some of you have felt this way before.  I want to hear that it will all be better soon.  

So what ideas and/or help can you offer me?  HELP!!!