Last weekend I had a dream that I was having a baby. Not that I was going to have a baby, but that I was actually in the throws of active labor, physically trying to push a baby out of my body! I was feeling what it would be like to give birth, in painful and exquisite detail.
This wasn't the first time I have had a dream like this either. When I had the first one, several years ago, I was so sure that this was a premonition of something to come, that I wrote the dream down in explicit detail so that I could compare it to the "real thing" when that day came.
This time I knew it wasn't a premonition of something to come. Instead, I think it was my mind's interpretation of something happening right then.
I awoke in the middle of the dream in blinding and excruciating pain. It started in my uterus and radiated outward, like white, hot fingers. I was sweaty and hot. My arms and legs were tingling and numb from the pain. My shoulders, where I just so happen to carry all of my stress, were knotted and throbbing. The pain was coming in such intense waves, that I found myself breathing through them, much like the contraction's in my dream. I was lying as still as I could, and thankful that Mike was still sleeping soundly, because every movement seemed like a jolt of lightning, directed right at my mid-section.
It was bad.
Yet, in the middle of all the pain, I felt relief. I was relieved because a sense of peace and calm had settled in over my heart. A prayer of mine was being answered, and I was starting to understand what it was I needed to do.
Let me explain.
A couple of weeks ago, I had my annual ob/gyn exam. (Lucky me, I know!!) My doctor asked me how things had been going with me since the last time we talked the previous Fall. I told him that my life was simply wonderful - that is unless we were talking in gynecologic terms. And then I explained to him how much worse things have gotten for me, and how extremely tired I was!
Not so much physically tired, although I do feel that. But tired of the constant war raging within my own body. Tired of the battle to feel normal, to feel good. Tired of having to take so much medication just to make it through some days. Tired of feeling like I am robbing my family of time and attention that they need from me, because I am too focused on the pain. Tired of feeling anxiety, stress and fear over just thinking about having to endure another period.
SO tired of taking birth control (which has a whole set of its own problems for me). What was the point? I wanted to keep my uterus so that I could keep open that infinitesimal chance that I might someday get pregnant - even though in over 8 years of actively trying, and even having some assistance, it has never happened once. Yet I had to be on birth control to keep my symptoms somewhat at bay, so getting pregnant wasn't going to happen anyway. And things were steadily getting so much worse along the way, even though the pill was supposed to be helping! Man, was I tired!!!
Tired of trying to ignore the ever constant and worsening problems, and pretending like all was fine.
All was not fine, and I was finally ready to come to terms with that and do something about it.
My doctor and I talked in great detail about the big "H" - hysterectomy. I have been so scared of this word! A few years back, my doctor told me that I needed to prepare for the fact that it was an inevitable part of my near future, and I have been afraid of it ever since. At the time I was told this news, I was devastated to say the least! I wasn't a mom yet, and I was desperate to keep my dysfunctional body intact at all costs. Today, I feel much differently! I know now that I do not need to be pregnant to be a mom. The end result is exactly the same for me as any other mother, I just don't have to put my already overloaded body through the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth. I really wonder if God might be protecting me from a pain that is just too much to bear, and for that, I am secretly grateful!
Over these past few months leading up to this appointment, I have been carefully weighing all of my options, and doing a lot of research on my own. I was trying to determine what it was that I wanted to do, because I knew something had to be done. I couldn't keep going on with things the way they were. It has been a constant thought in my mind, and those thoughts always kept coming back to the big "H". I think I was in denial about it though, and was insistent on finding another way.
I knew what my hubby thought about it. You see, he is the one who miserably and helplessly watches as I am crying uncontrollably, shaking and unable to even stand. He is the one who suffers when the birth control I am on zaps my sex drive and makes me act irrationally. And he was also an up-close witness to the personal and intimate moments of me becoming a mother, without bearing a child, so yes - he wants me to be rid of this diseased portion of myself, which has done nothing for me but cause a lot of problems. He wants me to feel better. He knows I don't need the constant stress or pain. He knows I don't need this to be a mother. He wants what is best for me. I just wasn't ready to admit that I wanted that too.
Then I talked about it - out loud. Out loud to the person who could actually do something about it, my doctor. I put a voice to all the problems, all the fears, and all the questions in my heart. I told him about all of the things I had researched and what I thought about it. In return, I didn't only hear his medical point of view, and how it related to me personally and my individual physical symptoms, but he also gave me his personal opinions. He told me all of my options, told me what he thought, having been my doctor for all these years, and then he quietly said, "If you were my wife, and we weren't relying on pregnancy to become parents, I wouldn't want to keep watching you go through so much pain." I smiled and chuckled a little at this last part. He looked at me questioningly and I said, "You sound just like my husband!"
I was starting to see how much my heart already knew, and just how much I had been avoiding it.
That appointment was a week and a half ago. When I woke up last weekend in immense pain, and still managed to recognize the calm and peace underneath it all, I knew that was my answer.
I knew what I needed to do.
And yet the fear was still there. This decision is such a final one. Is it really the best path for me?
The doubt was coming back.
Yesterday I called and talked to my doctor about a surgery that would just remove some problematic fibroid cysts I have and not take out my entire uterus. God bless him, he is such a great doctor, and such a kind man. He carefully explained to me what that would entail, what it would mean for me, and told me I had some thinking to do. He wanted me to think about how much I was willing to go through in "hopes" that it might work. He wanted me to think about why I had told him I wanted a hysterectomy in the first place. He told me to think things over and we would talk when he was back in the office on Tuesday.
Today I had an ultrasound to measure those cysts I have in my uterus. My doctor thinks this is the biggest factor (one of many) affecting me and all of the pain I have been experiencing. The fibroids were last measured six and a half years ago when I had laporoscpoic surgery and he wanted to see if they have gotten bigger. During my pelvic exam, he said they felt a lot bigger and he wanted to be sure.
When the technician started, she said, "It looks like you have three or four fibroids. Does that sound about right?" I said, "Yeah, I think so." It had been a long time, but I remember my doctor saying I had a lot of little ones, but a few that were bigger and more troublesome than the others. I asked her about where they were located, and then she asked me a few questions. Then she said she wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to look at them from another angle. When the images started coming up on the screen, she said, "Oh! There is one right there in the middle of your uterus that I couldn't even see from the outside!" She did all her measuring, and then she started counting. 1, 2, 3...8. I am counting 8."
I didn't ask how big any of them were. I didn't need to.
I knew again what it was I needed to do and this time it really sunk in. Maybe it took seeing it in those grainy black and white photos to really understand.
And I made it almost all the way home before I broke out in sobs. My moment of clarity didn't come without a huge wave of utter and overwhelming sadness. I began mourning the loss of my fertility a long time ago, and had accepted that I would "probably" never give birth to a child. But in that instant, I knew that I would never look at the screen of an ultrasound machine and see a heartbeat or a little hand or foot. I knew that the small hope I had been harboring that someday I might conceive, was a dream that would never come true. I also knew that even though this is such a final and irreversible decision, that it is the right decision for me. I knew that my body was simply not going to do what it was made to do, and I need to quit fighting it and quit suffering.
I will hear from my doctor on Tuesday about the results of the ultrasound. I am pretty certain I already know what he will say. I have already talked to his nurse about possible surgery dates, and I am going to try and have it scheduled for the beginning of November. The decision has been made - no need to keep waiting. Plus, then hopefully I will feel better by the holidays.
And boy, I am ready to feel better. I am ready to not be in so much pain. I am ready to rid my body of the thing that has been fighting against me for these past 20+ years. I am ready to be a better wife and mother because I can focus on them instead of these constant, terrible issues. I am ready to completely forget the "what if I get pregnant on my own" question that lingers in the back of my mind every month. I continually embrace the miraculous way in which I became a mother, and I look forward to adding more miraculous tales to my story. I am ready to move forward into a better, more pain free future.
Big "H" here I come - Wish me luck!!
